By Dick Hoover

If there’s one thing I love more than a nice cold glass of kvas, a bowl of hot borscht, and a jar of cold dacha-grown pickles, it’s digging for the truth and exposing lies.

We all know the Western media lies all the time, but where do they get these lies? Your average Western journalist covering Russia is so ignorant about the country they can’t tell a Matryoshka from a Volga or a Dostoevsky, so how could they spin such ridiculous fables without help? The fact is they don’t.

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The Western hacks are helped out by professional lying “experts,” usually academics or veteran presstitutes. However, sometimes these “experts” are even more sinister, indeed, sometimes they are actually active agents of Western intelligence agencies. Just so happens this crazy fox has caught himself a chicken wandering outside the coop, and that chicken’s name is Mark Galeotti, Western spy extraordinaire.

Galeotti runs a blog of lies called In Moscow’s Shadows. Right away you can tell something isn’t right. If you’re in the shadows, how can you possibly see anything? And this guy claims he can shed light on the inner workings of Russia? Right.

Oh what’s that, my dear readers? You want a smoking gun to “prove” that Galeotti is a spy? Hold onto those horses, partner, Dick Hoover’s going to hit you up with some knowledge on the down low.

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Look at his last name- Galeotti. Obviously Italian. The fact that I’ve only seen Galeotti speaking English and not Italian cinched it for me, but I just knew some of you naysayers who still haven’t broken the grip of CNN and Fox News on your noodles would ask me for something more “substantial,” if only because folks like you just love using them five-dollar words. No problem, Hoover delivers like Domino’s.

An Italian speaking English should have an accent, right? According to my linguistic research, it should sound like this:

 

Of course not all Italians sound that way when they speak English. Sometimes they sound like this:

 

Now it’s just a super-convenient coincidence that Galeotti does a lot of writing, which means you can’t hear his accent. But sometimes he’s forced to talk, and when he does, he ends up spilling the beans.

Instead of sounding like this:

“I’ma gonna tella you about dissa spicy meatball named-a Putina!”

Or this:

“What youse guys don’t want to hear nuffin’ about no FSB Spetsnaz? Whatsamadda wit’ you? Fuhgeddabouit!”

He actually sounds like this:

 

Well well well! You wanted a smoking gun? There’s your smoking gun, only you can’t see the smoke, because you’re in foggy Ol’ London town, just like Mr. “GaleNOTItalianotti’s” obviously British accent!

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What more proof do you need that Mark “JollyoldEnglandeotti” is in fact a spy working for MI6? Just a “conspiracy theory,” you say? Well I call your claim a coincidence theory, because the fact is that Perfidious Albion has played this little gambit with its MI6 agents before. Remember James Bond? He poorly disguised himself as a Japanese person to take down a courageous freedom fighter whose only crime was standing up to the global corporate hegemony in You Only Live Twice. Have a look.

 

Oh what’s that I hear? You say James Bond is only a fictional character? Well see that’s why I’m the journalist and you’re sitting there behind a computer screen in your nice little suburban home in corporate-dominated America. If you knew how to use old school journalistic techniques, you’d know that 007 was actually based on real people, and these movies therefore depict real events.

Who but the willfully blind can possibly doubt that Mark “Galeotti” is indeed a secret agent of MI6, sent to spy on Russia and deliver information to Western hack presstitutes, who then go on to spin yarns about “corruption” in Russia (Hello? TARP anyone?), or that Russia somehow “annexed” a piece of land from a country that never actually existed in the first place?

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And so in the end we see that the British spy chicken has in actual fact been caught, precisely by the very crazy fox, who had been trying to catch him. You’ve played this game quite long enough, Mr. “Galeotti,” or shall I say, SIR REGINALD P. THISTLEWOLLOP III, secret agent extraordinaire with the code number 0013? I’d imagine it doesn’t feel good to be exposed, but when you gamble, you’re bound to lose some time if the odds against the house are better than you previously gambled on, and you bet on an even number after odds instead of playing the slots by the door which are programmed to pay out more frequently.

No hard feelings, chap. You didn’t know you were up against the best.

Dick Hoover is a former communications-based sales manager and runaway corporate drone who escaped from his cubicle dungeon to Moscow many years ago. He now writes for RIYF as an investigative journalist and political analyst. You can reach Dick on his Tinder profile. For him it’s strictly about networking. Swipe right!