ALEPPO – While Western “experts” cast runes and read coffee grounds like cheap New Jersey fortunetellers in an attempt to understand Russian involvement in Syria, we have discovered that a ground operation is underway near Aleppo to recover President Bashar al-Assad’s chin from terrorists. 

“In order to lead a country you have to be taken seriously, but you can’t be taken seriously when your chin is stolen,” political expert and top TMZ article commenter TwilightFan1996 told RIYF. “Of course, Assad isn’t a whore and a fake like all of the bitches who come out to Hollywood, crash on your sofa for two days, and never call you again, so it’s not like he would get an implant.”

The political motivation for seizing Assad’s chin is obvious, according to Casey Madison-Preston, a prominent Middle East watcher who likes to listen to Umm Kulthum and once took a backpacking trip through Wadi Rum.

“Doesn’t Assid [sic] look really weird in profile like this?” Madison-Preston wrote on Snapchat. “But if he’s the leader, he’s going on coins, and you have to be in profile on coins, and you furthermore need coins to have a government, so it all seems like a conspiracy.”

TwilightFan1996 went further in pointing out that the terrorists, who are currently hiding in markets, schools and hospitals throughout the region in order to attract government bombing runs and create negative PR for Damascus, are not sophisticated enough to have planned the chin heist by themselves.

“Whenever I see bombing footage it’s all of these toddlers and grandmas who are lying on the street in little bits and pieces,” he pointed out. “These people aren’t smart enough to go after Assad on their own like that, ergo the CIA put them up to it.”