TULA- A new weapon has NATO generals shaking in their pink fake-fur boots. It’s called the TKB-059, or as RIYF prefers to call it, the “NATO annhilator,” and it was just released in 1966, to the shock and horror of NATO soldiers everywhere.

The TKB-059 features a bullpup design and three barrels, each fed independently from its own 30-round magazine for a total of 90 rounds. NATO assault rifles still only have one barrel and one magazine, meaning that a Russian soldier wielding this assault rifle would basically possess three times the firepower of a puny, effeminate, probably gay NATO soldier.

In the hands of highly trained Russian Spetsnaz these would make conquering non-existent Ukraine’s army laughably easy, if Russian Spetsnaz were involved in Ukraine (which of course they’re totally not).

Many of NATO’s top brass have no doubt expressed how worried they are about this NATO-killing weapon appearing on the battlefield. We weren’t able to actually talk to any of them, but if we’d had the chance, they’d probably say something like: “We’re terrified of the rising Russian bear’s new infantry superweapon. We should just surrender to the brilliant and manly president Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin unconditionally! Truly he has raised Russia from her knees! Also, we’re all gay.”

“I’m really afraid of this weapon and what it can do,” is most probably what another hypothetical NATO official would have said if we’d talked to them. “That’s because we’re effeminate pansies who like watching gay parades and fairly electing different leaders every four years or so.”

Exactly when the Russian Imperial Army will be equipped with the new NATO-devastating advice is not known, but RIYF estimates that it will be very soon, since we’ve confirmed the location of one actual weapon, in a glass case at Tula’s arms museum. No doubt factories in Izhevsk are cranking out thousands of the deadly weapons every day, ready to upgrade Russia’s infantrymen just like in a real-time strategy video game.

And that’s not all, the lethal, NATO-perforating triple barreled portable death factories will also be exported to Russia’s loyal allies- North Korea, Iran, and Venezuela! Nowhere to run now, America! The only thing that could possible be deadlier than the TKB-059 “deNATOizer” triple-barreled assault rifle would be a triple-barreled assault rifle that shoots smaller triple-barreled assault rifles, which in turn fire a hail of armor-piercing nano-bullets. No doubt the eggheads at Skolkovo are already working on it!

UPDATE: It has come to our attention that the TKB-059 was developed solely as a prototype in 1966 and never put in production. The only known copy of the weapon is the one we found in a dusty museum in Tula. Guess NATO gets another night’s rest…for now!