MOSCOW – Alleged adults chasing after imaginary monsters everywhere got a serious reality check when it was revealed that the wildly popular Pokemon GO augmented reality game was a neoliberal conspiracy to destroy traditional values in countries like Russia.

“Pokemon GO legitimizes joy, laughter, and silliness in twenty- and thirty-something Russians who should be halfway to drinking themselves to death by that age,” domestic policy expert Ded Potap told RIYF. 

“This runs counter to hundreds of years of Russian history, during which ‘fun’ was defined by either boyars feeding serf children to their hunting dogs, the NKVD giving prisoners false hope before shooting them anyway, or oligarchs playing The Most Dangerous Game with young escorts from single-industry towns,” Potap explained.

“Russia needs to take action against this abomination – in which you catch monsters and not the other way around,” he concluded.

Ded Potap’s comments were echoed by Russia’s top investigator, Alexander Bastardykin.

“Instead of watching state television in their depressing Khrushchev-era apartments, people are now walking around everywhere – even the forest,” Bastardykin lamented. “How am I supposed to threaten uppity journalists with deadly ‘trips to the forest’ now?… Wait, don’t write that. I SAID DON’T WRITE THAT UNLESS YOU WANT A TRIP TO THE FOREST TOO.”