ANCHORAGE – A sensational find has turned the entire history of the U.S. state of Alaska upside down when it was discovered that ancient Russians have lived and worshiped on that land for millennia. In the wake of the discovery, a petition demanding immediate secession from the United States has been signed by millions of locals.
RIYF caught up with local resident Jack Mullet, who discovered an approximately 3000-year-old Russian church outside of Anchorage when he was out in the woods looking for aliens.
“The aliens tend to hover over this general area, especially on Friday and Saturday nights,” Mullet explained as he took a swig of Wild Irish Rose.
“But they’re old news now – who cares about the green-skinned little [expletive]? SEE IF I CARE, YOU BUG-EYED PIECES OF [EXPLETIVE]!” Mullet shouted up into the sky before stumbling deeper into the woods.
At last, we came upon the ancient holy site.
“I know that from this angle, it kind of looks like an old refrigerator box, but don’t be fooled by that,” Mullet said. “You know what they say – God is in the details.”
Mullet pointed out the crisscrossing duct tape and foreign lettering on the side of the box. “When I saw all that, it just all came together for me,” he said. “I’ve had it independently verified by a friend down at the Long Twig Cocktail Bar and Shooting Range. It’s a 3000-year-old Russian church. The Russians were here before ANYONE, worshipping the Lord Baby Jesus.”
Mullet is unperturbed by the commonly held view that Christianity did not exist in 1000 BCE. “History’s all relative, you see,” Mullet explained. “Just look at my cousin Cleavon. It seems that only yesterday, he was a little thing, skinning his first squirrel and super-glueing grandpa to his chair. But in actuality, 35 years have gone by, and Cleavon’s in prison for aggravated assault.”
Since his discovery, Mullet started a petition for Alaska to secede from the United States and join the Russian Empire. When told that Russia is, in fact, a federation, Mullet stated, “Empire sounds more majestical. Majesticial? Whatever.”
Mullet credits the petition’s astounding popularity – three million have signed, while official census figures put Alaska’s population at under a million – to the fact that locals “are tired of living under a gay Muslim [U.S. President Barack Obama – RIYF].” Tens of thousands of signatories to the petition have the same name – John Smith, but that’s not a problem, since every other person in Alaska is named that.
Mullet meanwhile doesn’t have much hope for the upcoming U.S. presidential election. “Who are we gonna get? Hitlary KKKlinton? Or the guy who wears a dead fox on his head like some kind of [expletive]?” Mullet pointed out.
“I say we go live under that Russian guy. What’s his name again? Oh yeah, Vlad the Dracula. Sounds about right,” Mullet concluded.