Philip Bedrosovich Kirkorov is the Louis XIV of Russian pop stars, beloved by aging women and wholesale feather-and-sequin retailers everywhere.

Essential Kirkorov facts:

Mr. Kirkorov is 7 ft. tall. His majestic height is explained by the fact that he is a distant relative of Peter the Great. RIYF asked Mr. Kirkorov to comment on the possibility of laying claim to the Russian throne, to which Mr. Kirkorov wisely replied, “So it’s you who drank the nail polish remover in my dressing room, I see.”

Mr. Kirkorov is the author of roughly half a million Russian pop hits. Among his most popular songs are ballads such as “Wind Beneath My Peacock Feathers,” and “Guyliner,” as well as the heavy metal rhapsody, “You Put My Favorite Dry-Clean Only Mink Hammer Pants into the Washing Machine So Ima Kick You in the Dick.”

Mr. Kirkorov is frequently chased by hysterical females, which often results in him having to defend himself with whatever is handy. “It gets really scary sometimes,” Mr. Kirkorov admits. “It’s sort of like the Battle of Stalingrad. Only worse.”

Mr. Kirkorov is a fan of dizzling, which is like vajazzling, for your dick.

Mr. Kirkorov once killed a dinosaur with a pair of manicure scissors. He insists the incident is not a big deal. “I mistook that thing for a tabloid journalist I don’t like,” Mr. Kirkorov says. “Any mega-celebrity would’ve done the same in my situation.”

Famous Philip Kirkorov quotes:

“Life is like a box of glitterbombs. I’m not sure what that means – but it sounds cool.”

“I sued Derek Zoolander for stealing Blue Steel from me. And then I discovered he’s a fictional character? Well spank my ass and call me Sally – he was hanging out with Billy Zane and David Bowie, and THEY’RE real. This is my biggest criticism of Western pop culture, it creates this aura of artificiality that authentic artists such as myself can struggle with.”

“Putin’s great. I voted for him all 17 times. Or however many there were. Honestly, I’m on the road a lot, it’s hard to keep track.”

“I’ve spent most of my life in the closet. And by that I mean my walk-in, climate-controlled, color-coordinated closet that has a champagne vending machine. Ha-ha, joke’s on you! Bitch.”

“Seriously, who the [expletive] put my mink hammer pants into the washing machine?”