Russian Orthodox Church unveils Orthodox Porn Tube

SERGIEV POSAD- Russian Orthodox priest Vyacheslav Kuprin utters a blessing as he splashes holy water onto the server banks that currently host Magdalina.ru, the Russian Orthodox porn video sharing site. The website, the first of its kind in the world, was set up on Father Kuprin’s initiative with the full blessing of the Russian Orthodox Church.

According to an ROC’s spokesman, the site is designed to draw away and protect Russian believers from the negative influences of “perverted,” “degenerate” pornography from the West. Videos with themes or features which contradict church teachings are excluded.

Father Kuprin told RIYF’s correspondent exactly how he came up with the idea.

“I had warned my congregation about the evils of internet pornography dozens of times during church services,” the priest explained. “Of course every time I did that, I was met with blank stares and questions like ‘What is the internet?’ I figure that was because my congregation is almost exclusively comprised of elderly women who somehow continue to cheat death.”

“I went out on the streets to speak with young Russian men about the topic, and I figured out that they really love pornography.”

Initially Kuprin couldn’t think of a way to pry Russian males away from pornography, but one day he had an epiphany.

“Suddenly I realized that maybe what we need is a compromise. Just like the compromise we have where every Russian says they’re Orthodox but almost never goes to church and doesn’t even talk about any of Christ’s teachings.”

Kuprin’s “compromise” would entail changing the porn habits of Russian men and the content of the material, rather than abolishing it.

kresheniye
Budding porn star Vera Minetina prepares for her Orthodox gang-bang scene, in which she will engage in missionary-position sex with each male participant solely for the purpose of procreation.

“I realized that we would not only have to create our own, Christian version of Pornhub, but we’d also have to make our own content,” Kuprin said. “If we cannot eliminate pornography, we can at least change it so it is in line with healthy, traditional relationships.”

Like the internet giant Pornhub, Magdalina’s videos are organized by category, but there are only two categories: “Missionary between happily married couples for the purpose of procreation,” and “Masturbation followed by strong feelings of guilt and shame.”

Users of the site gave mixed reactions. Ivan, a bus driver from Ekaterinburg, had some positive feedback.

“Before Magdalina.ru, I used to use Pornhub. I’d watch that stuff from Germany, the Netherlands. It’s disgusting. Now thanks to Magdalina.ru, I can feel patriotic when I watch porn!”

Vladimir, an IT specialist from Moscow, however, said he felt a bit “limited” by the site’s short list of categories.

“Can’t we have a few more categories? Maybe things that are explicitly forbidden, but which us Russian guys do all the time anyway? You know, like visiting prostitutes while on business trips?”

Yet another user, army lieutenant Valeriy Frolov, said he was quite pleased with the new site.

“Earlier some hackers had apparently got into my computer and watched a lot of gay porn on Pornhub using my profile. But I showed them. I blocked that site and the only porn site I ever use now is Magdalina.ru!”

Magdalina.ru’s business plan hasn’t been thoroughly explained to the public, but Father Kuprin said that he isn’t worried about whether or not the site will be profitable.

“God will provide. But when God doesn’t provide, the state steps in and gives you 2 billion rubles. God helped them find the money in the education budget.”

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