5 people you didn’t know were Russians (but totally are)

The Russophrenic West has long feared the great cultural and spiritual contributions of the Third Rome (Moscow). It’s fears are so great in fact, that many popular political and cultural figures have, out of MSM (Mainstream Media) chicanery, fear of persecution or flat out self-loathing been forced into a sort of Slavic closet. So we here at RIYF we have decided to rescue our trapped brethren  by outing five people, who, unlike most prominent Western Russophiles, actually have Russian ancestry!

1. David Duchovny

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The American Actor best known for narrating the author’s primary sexual outlet between 1992 and 1997, was born in New York City in 1960. Few however, realize that his name literally translates in Russian as “Orthodox Christian.” While his mother was technically Scottish, Russia, without the corrupting influence of Western feminism, is patrilineal. Discounting the Polish ancestry of his paternal grandmother (naturally), we turn to his paternal grandfather, who was born in Berdychiv. Berdychiv was once part of the Russian Empire, is now part of THE Ukraine (which doesn’t even exist), and will soon be part of the Russian Empire again. So, despite other genetic defects, Duchovny is Russian enough, so Russian in fact, that he, of his own volition, came out of the closet with this little gem.

And, as he himself clearly admits, had he been born in Russia, he would have been a cosmonaut, or perhaps a world class ballet instructor. But as an American, the best he could do was narrate the author’s teen-aged naughty time (that is, until he got out of his parents’ basement  and started writing his own red-shoed diaries in Moscow.) Take that Duchovny!

2. Mila Kunis

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According to her biography, the American film and television star Mila Kunis was born in Chernivtsi, then part of THE Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic in 1983. But, as we’ve already established, THE Ukraine was just a CIA psy-op that never even existed. So by default, Mila Kunis is Russian.

3. Roy Jones Jr.

On August 19, 2015, Roy Jones Jr. met with Vladimir Putin in Sevastopol Crimea and asked the President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin for Russian citizenship. Due to a  power beyond our comprehension, Jones was granted Russian citizenship on September 12th. So Jones is…Russian.

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Bearing that in mind, we here at RIYF would like to give Jones a few healthy pointers before his next visit to the Russian Federation, you know, just to clear up any possible misunderstandings that could happen along the way.

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4. Bashar al-Assad

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Born in Damascus on September 11, 1965 (and yes, the CIA chose that date to organize the 9/11 attacks as part of a long-term psy-op to discredit him), President Bashar al-Assad is best known as the democratically elected president of Syria, as well as the first line of defense against the Atlanticist-Illuminati conspiracy and its Islamic State proxies. What you didn’t realize is that when Russians call Assad a fraternal brother, they mean it literally.

As Russian parliamentary deputy Semyon Bagdasarov recently pointed out, Syria is “holy land.” And of course, that makes it Russian land.

“It was from there that civilisation came to us. Maybe someone forgot. Antioch gave us the first monks,” he 100% said (he actually did. Another mind-blowing RIYF fact coming at yer)

“When we celebrated the 300th anniversary of the Romanov dynasty, all liturgy led not to the Russian Orthodox Church, but to Antioch. Would not it be for Antioch, there would be no Orthodoxy and Russia. This is our land!”

So according to this logic, anything that came before Russia but might have influenced Russia is de facto a part of Russia. We here at RIYF find this line of reasoning unassailable. So Assad is НАШ(OURS), and not just Assad, but…

5. You

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Yes, if you did not realize it already, you are Russian. If you do not understand why, please see point four. If you are in need of further assistance, please send your name, address, social security number, plus your unique16-digit Visa debit card number and your  3-digit security code (no American Express please) to russiainyourface419@yahoo.ng.

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