MOSCOW – As the diplomatic row over Tur… Backstabistan’s decision to shoot down a Russian plane has intensified, one brave Duma deputy, Mikhail Baranov, has said what every other Russian is already thinking: “We don’t need Backstabistan’s products. Cheap tomatoes? So what? Thanks to the economic crisis, peasants can’t afford groceries anyway. Let them eat dirt.” 

Baranov made his inspiring comments to RIYF as he was stepping out of his black, migalka-crowned Mercedes to go dine at Moscow’s exclusive Basically Just Gold Sh*t Everywhere Restaurant & Club, where sh*t is indeed covered in gold according to inside sources.

RIYF reached out to Russian nutrition specialist Nina Kvasova, who agreed that eating dirt is preferable to Backstabistan’s tomatoes, or any other kind of products made by russophobes and enemies of the people.

“I would suggest saying a quick prayer over the dirt, to rid it of evil spirits,” Kvasova counselled. “Also, pregnant women shouldn’t eat dirt that has been in contact with cat faeces, because science reasons.”