MOSCOW – The economic crisis, which has forced Russians to slash their spending even on essential goods, has had the positive side-effect of compelling the country’s lawmakers to switch to a diet of gold-plated caviar as a means of bolstering food reserves.
“It’s a brave decision, since, technically, I don’t think gold is fit for human consumption? Maybe?” said doctor and nutritionist Nina Kvasova. “I went to medical school in Soviet-era Vorkuta, don’t give me s***, OK?”
Finance expert Mark Cesar agreed that switching to gold-plated food is a wise economic decision.
“Russia’s been BUYING GOLD like crazy but it needs to make sure that the gold actually GROWS IN VALUE over time!” Cesar screamed over the telephone. “Eating gold is a great way to do that AND to offset food counter-sanctions! This is the most brilliant decision since the USSR refused to move to a computerized economy in the late 1960s! Computers have viruses, who needs that crap?”
The patriotic bullion buffet inspired a new hit single from Russian rapper Timati, ‘Pissing Goldschläger in honor of Putin.’
Russian parliamentarians were unavailable for comment, though one was kind enough to try to run RIYF’s Duma correspondent over with his migalka-crowned Mercedes.