KALININGRAD – Kaliningrad governor Nikolay Tsukanov has proposed building a wall, possibly surrounded by an alligator-infested moat, to keep European refugees out of his region. The proposal follows a recent report from the Russian state statistical service showing 7 million Europeans had already sought asylum in the Russian region in the first 10 months of 2015.

“I will build a wall— and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively,” Tsukanov recently told RIYF from his office in Kaliningrad.

“I will build a great, great wall, and it will surround the entire territory. And don’t you go thinking you’ll just swim over from the Baltic Sea. Have you ever heard of a sea wall? If not, you’ll SEE it soon. Mark my words.”

Tsukanov added that a horseshoe shaped moat could be built around it for good measure, so that Poland and Lithuania would no longer rub their cooties all over the exclave of manliness, which is otherwise surrounded by an iridescent nimbus of gayness and decay.

“That moat will be cut from Teutonic territory by the way,” he added. Russia won’t lose one square inch from that moat, mark my words. And we will stock it with white freshwater alligators indigenous to Lake Baikal, which are tough enough to endure the cold waters.”

When asked about the countless men, women and children who would be left behind to endure the horrors of Gayropa, Tsukanov was understanding, but added that if Europeans no longer wanted to see their children form the axis of their tolerant bukakke rituals, perhaps they would have to start fighting back rather than try to inundate the tiny region which has neither the facilities nor the wet wipes to sort them all out.

Tsukanov says he has already requested 50 billion rubles in funds from the federal government, and believes construction could start before the year’s end.

“A nation without borders is not a nation at all. We must have a wall…and a moat. The rule of law matters,” he added.

Tsukanov’s proposal follows a report released by the Russian Federal State Statistics Service (Rosstat), which found that in the first 10 months of 2015, just over 7 million Europeans had attempted to flee across Kaliningrad’s border with the intention of seeking asylum. Those figures are bound to increase with the onset of winter.

According to Robert Bobek, an economist with the Center for Eurasian Strategic Intelligence (CESI), there are two factors which have contributed to the growing crisis. 

“First, European sanctions at the behest of Washington which were intended to hurt Russia (ed. but have not!) have nearly wrecked Europe’s economy. Millions have lost their jobs, leaving Europe on the brink of collapse,” Bobek said.

“That, coupled with the fact that only Muslims are exempt from attending bi-monthly gay reeducation seminars has left many Europeans feeling displaced in  their own countries. News that traditional marriage may soon be outlawed could bring the situation to a critical mass,” he added.