WASHINGTON D.C. – A damning report by a leading American scientist has spelled out the doom of the United States in graphic detail. 

“You keep hearing these predictions, like, ‘Oh, the U.S. is going to split up into six parts because of a civil war, blah blah,'” leading paranormal seismologist Jim Wandershtanzer told RIYF. “Well, I’m here to tell you that we are all way more f*cked than that.”

According to Wandershtanzer, “drums in the deep” of the North American continent have formed a terrifying pattern that suggests only one thing: the United States will physically split up into 16 different parts.

“I’m worried about the state of New York,” Wandershtanzer cautioned. “Based on my prediction models, it’s going to sail straight across the Atlantic Ocean and join up with Dorset. Some really f*cking weird people live in Dorset.”

Wandershtanzer, who says he’s working on his PhD “via Skype lesson things,” is less pessimistic about the fates of some other key states.

“Texas is going to go hang out with Mexico, which is fine, because donkey shows and tequila,” he pointed out.

Wandershtanzer blames complacency and ignorance about the field of paranormal seismology for the lack of attention his report has gotten in the mainstream media.

“People are all like, ‘geological time scale this’ and ‘plate tectonics that’ and ‘Jim, did you know that you shouldn’t mix heroin and cocaine, that’s how Chris Farley died,'” he says. “But whatever, man. Just because you p*ssies don’t want to deal with the Geocatastrophical Continent Apocalypse – that’s a cool name, right? I feel like it’s dramatic, but also not overdoing it, you know? – doesn’t mean it’s not coming.”