“The Ukraine” forced to build 247 Applebee’s “restaurants”

“KIEV”- Joe Biden’s son has apparently forced “the Ukrainian” “president” Petro Poroshenko and the whole “Verkhovna Rada” to push through new legislation mandating the construction of an estimated 247 Applebee’s “restaurants” throughout the “country.”

The first of the odious “restaurants” is to be converted from the TGI Friday’s on Khreshatik boulevard. Other popular “the Ukrainian” chain restaurants will be converted into Applebee’s as well. Where suitable subjects for conversion are lacking, Applebee’s “Restaurant-like installation structures”(TM) will be built from the ground up.

“Obviously this whole Maidan thing is about taking over Ukraine and making it a colony,” said an anonymous US State Department official we met in the men’s room of a McFoxy’s scheduled to be converted into an Applebee’s. “What better way to colonize, American style, than by putting up multiple Applebee’s restaurants?”

Russian geopolitical experts expect “the Ukrainian” citizens to suffer greatly for their foolish mistake of not remaining loyal to Russian president Putin’s loyal viceroy back in early 2014. According to some of those experts, Applebee’s is tell-tale sign that “the Ukraine” is a failed state and a puppet of Washington.

“Just look at the bland, disgusting bullsh*t on this menu,” said Sergei Fyodorov, a member of the Academic Institute of Advanced Geopolitical Academic Institutional Studies, a Moscow-based think tank. “Fiesta lime chicken? Provolone stuffed meatballs? I bet you’re regretting that Maidan now, aren’t you?”

Fyodorov also said this would only be the beginning.

“The colonizers won’t stop there. It starts with Applebee’s, then pretty soon you’ve got Chili’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Barnes & Noble, the whole suburban white people special. You dumb bastards really screwed up this time I tell you!”

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