NOVOSIBIRSK – A vigilant Russian lawyer has revealed that media coverage of a friendship between a tiger and a goat is brainwashing children to believe that homosexuality is awesome. Unfortunately, our independent investigation has revealed that gay propaganda in popular children’s entertainment is even worse than it is in the news.

Here are just some of the recent cartoons and movies you should be avoiding if you don’t want your son to turn into an organic cotton-wearing, quinoa-eating Elton John lookalike (or if you don’t want your daughter to turn into a foul-mouthed dyke. That is, unless she’s hot and does reasonably priced cam shows):

Masha and the Bear – This cartoon is hailed as one of Russia’s most popular cultural exports. But honestly? A friendship between a child and a bear in which the child doesn’t end up as a pile of partially digested bones? Who are these people trying to fool with their agenda. GAY RATING: Two and a half picnic baskets.

Frozen – This popular 2013 film featuring that one song you’ve heard roughly seven billion times promotes the idea that true love doesn’t have to be bestowed on a woman by a man. What the f*ck. GAY RATING: Four picnic baskets.

Inside Out – It’s a movie about emotions. Even worse, it’s about emotions having emotions. GAY RATING: Five picnic baskets.

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens – Subtle gay propaganda at its most insidious, this movie suggests that heterosexual partnerships sometimes result in kids who are psychopathic murderers. GAY RATING: Seven picnic baskets.

Barack Obama and Joe Biden – Sure, they’re not fictional characters. But just look at these two f*gs. Exercising together. Holding tea parties in the presence of photographers. Going fishing. Calling themselves a “tandem.” They even go to great lengths to demonstrate which one’s the top and which one’s the bottom. GAY RATING: Infinity picnic baskets.