by Alisa Louse.

We’ve been hearing a lot of screeching from the Pentagon about ‘existential threats’ from Russia. But the scenario dreamt up in the nightmares  of fear mongering neo-cons is, in fact, hilarious:

Russia and Assad win in Syria, making sure Russia controls the Middle East. Russian forces continue bombing Kremlin identified Russophobic groups around the region, driving an average of a million refugees to Europe every three months.

European politicians, wracked with guilt and undermined by the growing force of Russian friendly parties calling for them to allow the refugees in, pay for unlimited immigration into the EU.

Russia does not accept any refugees from the Middle East because most are enemies of the Kremlin’s special friend (but not in that way), Assad.

The U.S.’ remaining client dictators there crumble. Meanwhile China takes control of the South and East China seas and successfully takes back Taiwan, with U.S. forces too scared to stop them.

Donald Trump comes to power in the U.S., gives in to Russian demands over “the Ukraine,” the Middle East, Central Asia and Eastern Europe.

READ MORE: 5 out of 5 Kremlin-approved experts agree that Ukraine is not a country

Trump cuts U.S. defence spending and agrees to share the role of world reserve currency with the rouble and yuan. He stops the U.S. missile defence program, withdraws U.S. forces from Europe and disbands NATO.

Promising to deal with migrants from the middle east, Russia friendly right wing parties win power in France and Britain and Russian friendly left wing parties in Greece, Italy and Germany.

The European Union and Euro currency are disbanded.

President Trump and the heads of European states sign agreements with Moscow acknowledging that all eastern European states are to become Russian protectorates. For the maintenance of law and order Russian troops can be stationed in these countries.

Feeling the winds of change the Pope agrees to become an assistant crucifix-carrier for the Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church.

A combined U.S.-Chinese diplomatic effort sees the UN disbanded and re established as the ‘Traditional Values of Strong States Alliance’, based in between Moscow and Beijing in the by-then former Mongolia.

The world will have been fixed re-ordered.

But we in Russia don’t think like that. We love the West. We don’t want to West to collapse in an flaming armageddon. To see the capitals of Europe ravaged and Washington burn. To herd millions into Siberian death camps while millions more are enslaved for their new Kremlin overlords from Ireland to Istanbul. Of course not. We are your friends. Tell us your secrets.

 

Alisa Louse was born to Soviet dignitaries who sent her to college in the U.S. After studying drama and taking part in some auditions she decided it wasn’t proper to be a hugely successful, Oscar-winning actress in the degenerate country that had educated/attempted to brainwash her. Returning home to Russia she miraculously landed a job at a top government publication as managing editor while on her way back from the airport. She regularly writes columns and pieces helping to spread a fair interpretation of the world as seen through the Kremlin’s eyes. An independent woman of means, she lives in one wing of her parent’s gated mansion west of Moscow, because she is environmentally conscious and wouldn’t want to see an entire mansion wing go to waste.