Panama Papers: West angry Putin refuses to steal legally

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the latest CIA-funded Western media hit job detailing an alleged 2 billion dollar offshore money trail leading to President Vladimir Putin, RIYF learned that prominent Western officials and business leaders are angry that Putin refuses to steal legally.

“We really tried to show [Putin] that all of that nickel and dime money laundering bulls***t was for low rent crews and not real families,” James Franklin Collins, former ambassador to Russia under Clinton, told RIYF.

“But I’ll be damned if that son of a bitch wouldn’t listen to a word I said.”

His comments were echoed by Condoleezza Rice, expert on the USSR and former Secretary of State under George W. Bush.

“Late into my second year heading up the State Department, just after Anna Politkovskaya was murdered, I redoubled my efforts in attempting to get Putin to sign up to our vision of transformational democracy,” Rice told RIYF.

I said ‘listen, Vladimir Vladimirovich, Cheney’s firm Halliburton is making a killing off of the Iraq War.’

I was right. [Haliburton subsidiary] KBR ended up pulling in $39.5 billion dollars or something. Putin’s $2 billion Panama bucks are chump change. I told him, ‘If you want dead bodies, you can have all the dead bodies you want. But you’ve got to go about doing this the right way,’” she said.

When RIYF reached out to Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton, she told us that her husband always attempted to get Putin to change his street mentality.

“Putin hasn’t even heard of a  bespoke tranche opportunity,” Clinton said with a cackle.

Screen Shot 2016-04-04 at 9.48.23 PM
*cackle*

“I’m the candidate to show Putin that it isn’t the ’90s anymore,” Clinton added. “Sketchy banks owned by your friends are as relevant as gold chains and track suits. Look up my speeches to Wall Street if in doubt. On secondhand, don’t. Those were exclusive and I don’t want them to ask for their money back.”

Secretary of State John Kerry, also remains hopeful that Putin can see the light.

“During recent talks in Moscow, Putin asked me if I had money in my briefcase for ‘bargaining on key issues. And you know what i told him?

‘When we have a private moment, I’ll show you what’s in my briefcase. And I think you’ll be surprised. Pleasantly,” Kerry said.

“And we did have that private moment, several of them,” Kerry added.

 

Meanwhile, acclaimed journalist John Pilger said the entire world had missed the real story behind the so-called Panama papers.

“Attempting to draw Putin into a system of legalized bribery and quid pro quo-financial deals is a form of Western imperialism. 

In the mysterious Russian East, it is perfectly acceptable to buy a concubine an apartment with state-procured funds after she has gifted you with a pinup calendar,” he said.

Pilger pointed out that for Westerners, it might be hard to understand why the Defense Minister needs an $18 million pagoda-themed estate or why Olympics are more important than healthcare or pensions.

“The thing is, Westerners should respect other people’s customs,” he concluded.

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