MOSCOW – A roundtable on Russian charities has reached an important conclusion: charities make the country look bad. They suggest that some Russians may not be able to afford expensive medicine or hospice care or whatever other things gross sick people need. Who benefits when Russia’s reputation is thus sullied? NATO.

“*I* can afford medicine for me and my loved ones,” Public Chamber member and ex-politician Mergay Sarkov told RIYF. “And because the Russian political elite is representative of the people, this means the people can afford medicine too.”

“Charity funds make us look like peasants – which is upsetting. I mean, do you know how much this tie costs? Certainly more than a month’s supply of pills for some cancer kid in Saransk,” Sarkov added.

Sarkov thinks that Russian charities should register as foreign agents if they engage in POLITICAL ACTIVITY! – a.k.a. shake bureaucrats out of their stupor so they occasionally do some work on behalf of the sick and disadvantaged.

“This is very dangerous as it can result in Shaken Bureaucrat Syndrome,” Sarkov explained. “We need our officials to be healthy and well-rested for when NATO’s first battalion transvestite brigade inevitably invades.”

Archpriest Pafnuty Buldogov, a prominent clergyman in the Russian Orthodox Church, said that God is “usually” in favor of charity, but that there are “exceptions.”

“Suffering is a beautiful thing that brings people closer to Jesus,” Father Buldogov said as he stepped out of the fourth chauffeured SUV to the end of his personal convoy . “When charities get in the way of that, they’re contradicting God’s will – and who else is always going against God’s will? That’s right. Foreigners. So you can see how making charities register as foreign agents makes a lot of sense.”