New ombudsman: superhuman Russians don’t need puny “human rights”

MOSCOW – Retired police general Tatiana Moskalkova, newly elected to be Russia’s new human rights ombudsman by parliament, began her first day on the job by asking the obvious question: “Why would Russians need human rights if they’re already superhuman?” 

“Today, human rights issues are actively exploited by Western and American structures to manipulate, blackmail and attempt to destabilize and pressure Russia,” Moskalkova told parliament. “Which is ridiculous, because granting Russians human rights is as stupid as granting Superman a restraining order from Lois Lane. I get that Lois is a badass journalist and the archetypal comic book love interest and whatever, but this still wouldn’t be relevant unless she’s also in her role as Superwoman.”

Moskalkova’s comments were welcomed by both parliamentarians and ordinary Russians alike.

“If you see what Russians get up to on YouTube, you’ll know exactly what she’s talking about,” a man who identified himself as Lyokha told RIYF shortly before he attempted to dirt jump over a sleeping bum while simultaneously smoking a cigarette as his friend filmed the endeavour with his phone.

When asked to comment on complaints from the opposition that Moskalkova was not qualified for her new position, the Kremlin replied with a, “Hahahahahahahaha… Dude, no, wait, let me hold the phone… Ahahahahahahahahaha, the opposition is dickless! Like, it has no dick. Dude, is that, like, collective dick or individual dicks? Hahahahahahahaha. I don’t know what this new stuff is but get Carlos to bring more.”

We couldn’t have summed it up better ourselves.

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