National Guard Head Zolotov: ‘We may be forced to sacrifice millions to save dozens’

In the event of an emergency, recently anointed National Guard Head Viktor Zolotov has said that in the name of stability, he might have to kill “tens of thousands, perhaps millions” in order to save Russia. 

At present, the National Guard, which was formed on April 5th following a presidential decree from Vladimir Putin, is prohibited from using weapons at times when large groups of people are present, so that innocent bystanders will not be injured in the event that deadly force is used to quell unrest.

But under new proposals submitted by deputies in Russia’s lower house, “excessive force may be employed in the event of terrorist attacks, armed assaults on government buildings, Mumford and Sons concerts, hostage situations, civil unrest or pedestrians refusing to vacate crosswalks despite having seen your flashing blue light milliseconds prior.”

The bill would further indemnify security forces or the government from criminal prosecution regardless of how many people are mindlessly slaughtered, even if the threat turns out to be a false alarm.

Vladimir_Putin_in_Qatar_12_February_2007-1
Zolotov, Putin, Arabian niiiiiiiiiiiights (somebody get Geoff to rewrite the caption after he’s done sleeping off whatever creepy shit he did over weekend, thanks – ed.)

Zolotov said he fully supported the expansion of his Praetorian Guard’s powers. 

“Vladimir Vladimirovich has entrusted me with protecting the regime, I mean the nation, THE NATION!, and that is a job I take very seriously. But how can my forces protect the country if we can’t wipe out everyone within a 50 meter radius of a Jean Jacques Cafe on Friday night upon being told by reliable sources that members of the Azov Battalion had gathered inside?” Zolotov pointed out.

“I know this is difficult for human rights-obsessed Westerners to understand, but sometimes you have to kill tens of thousands, even millions to make sure that you and a dozen of your closest friends are safe. I know not everyone is prepared to make these choices – but not everyone has what it takes to sacrifice everyone else’s life for God and country,” he said.

“And I do mean everyone else’s,” he added, in case NATO had any doubt as to his resolve.

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