Dear (representative of mass media organisation), Russia’s Defence Ministry is hosting generals and supreme leaders the world over this week at the Russian International Insecurity Forum, and we invite you to join us for fun, frivolity, and bombs (both the Jaeger kind and the non-Jaeger kind).

The hearts of darkness beating in Washington, London, Berlin and Ankara are bent on the subjugation of the free peoples of the world in places like Uzbekistan, North Korea, Eritrea and Russia. As a result Moscow has decided to embody the insecurities of these states at a special forum.

Held underneath a federal strategic object in Moscow oblast (Geoff can you check this, what does oblast mean? Shouldn’t it be ‘obelisk’, like in Command and Conquer?- ed) the delegates will be guarded by 433 units of Russian interior ministry troops and 2000 Russian regular military formations. Some special forces units are also rumoured to be helping to guard the forum. 125 armoured vehicles, 250 other armoured vehicles and 25 units of armoured vehicles will be deployed around the forum site.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov will give the forum’s opening address. As the forum is called “Tipping the World”, Lavrov’s address will match this theme-

“Totally plucked- Who would win in a fight between a Russian bear and an American eagle?”

Russian Defence Minister Sergei Shoigu will then give the forum’s second opening address-

“Talk is cheap, bombs are cheaper. What’s a peace conference without a war first?”

The forum’s all star guest list includes some of the world’s great defence/attack thinkers and practitioners:

-Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe

-Equatorial Guinea’s President Teodoro Obiang Nguema

-Eritrea’s President Isaias Afwerki

-Belarus’ President Alexander Lukashenko

-Uzbekistan’s President Islam Karimov

-Sudan’s President Omar al-Bashir

Unfortunately our Guest of Honour, North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, had to cancel at the last minute due to chronic gout/having to take time out of his busy schedule to shoot another relative of his. He will be replaced by a new, mystery guest of honour, flown in especially on Russian President Vladimir Putin’s Presidential jet….who will it be?

SEND YOUR JOURNALISTS ALONG TO FIND OUT!

(clue- to miss out would be ASSAD thing!)

(DISCLAIMER: Russian President Vladimir Putin will be present at the conference but will not talk to the media, barring a four hour impromptu address to journalists which is at his discretion and whim. If it does go ahead, at an unspecified time before, during or after the conference, representatives of Russian state mass media organisations will be informed the day before, representatives of Russian non-state or foreign mass media organisations will be informed 30 seconds before)