DONETSK- All Lord of the Rings films shown in Russia are to have Anglo-fascist actor Orlando Bloom’s face edited out, the Russian Ministry of Culture and Fanfic has announced.

The declaration comes after Bloom, 39, visited the Ukrainian-Nazi-Orc held death camp formerly known as the town of Sloviansk in an eastern region of THE Ukraine. Bloom claims he was visiting as a UNICEF Goodwill ambassador to highlight the plight of children in the region. In fact, he was there to laugh at them as he ate a chocolate covered model of an Oscar award as thousands of starving orphans were crucified behind a razor-wire fence.

The story is a simple and well known one, but here’s the background once more for those not familiar with the great war for middle post-Soviet earth:

The town of Sloviansk in eastern THE Ukraine was once a neo-Soviet paradise bathed in the light of the Rohirrim of Donetsk.

Children swarmed joyfully into the mines of Novorossiyan Moria to labour for hammer, sickle and home.

Russia stood bravely at our backs and the hinterland of the enemy in LvOv was just two weeks march away. But then the shadow of KIEvgard and its evil hordes fell across our bucolic, coal dust sprinkled lands. Riding on the wings of Pentagonazgul raptor fell beasts, the Ukrainians pounced on the hapless townspeople, looting, pillaging, changing flags and undoubtedly doing a lot of goblin goose-stepping.

Where was Mosgondor? Where were our protectors? It took a while to arrange The Return of the Putking, but he came. Our Russian brothers came with their heavenly armoured knights and Buk missiles to rid the skies of the dreaded Pentagonazgul and other trespassing aerial intruders.

And then Herr Goebbelando Blauron goes and shows up. Well he may think he can trample all over Russia’s ancestral Slavic Shire, but there are consequences to his Operation Bloombarossa.

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It is the first light of the fifth day, and we are looking to the east. The baying host of Washingdor are at the gates of Donetskdeep. But our Putgalf is just over the crest of the hill.

Legolas’ face will be liquidated from our screens in a patriotic act of aesthetic cleansing. His face will probably be replaced by that of our infallible leader, Vladimir Putin.

However there are still debates as to whether the elf torso is too feminine for Putagorn’s epic physique, and as a result the replacement face may be that of wildly popular gymnast and passing Putin acquaintance Arwen Kabaeva.

This report is brought to RIYF by our professional partners at Novorossiya In Your Face