Poll: Russians demand that Stalin be cloned

MOSCOW – A recent poll claims that 87% of Russians want 20th century leader Joseph Stalin to be cloned.

A poll by the BSOM Center says that 62% of Russians “strongly approve” of using Stalin’s DNA for a cloning project. 25% percent said they “approve.” An additional 13% asked “what the hell is cloning again?”

Although poll results could not be independently verified at press time, BSOM issued a release assuring journalists that its findings are “totally legit.”

BSOM says it has forwarded the findings to the Russian Academy of Sciences.

The academy has recently issued its own DNA report on Stalin, claiming to have found evidence that Stalin was, in fact, ethnically Russian and a sincere, devout Orthodox Christian.

“This is surely good news for all our far-right nationalists… We mean, all of the nice, normal people of Russia,” academy reps said at a press conference.


Academy spokesperson Vladimir Tuporyazev meanwhile told Russia In Your Face!!! that a special task force is currently considering the possibility of feeding the newly cloned Stalin a top-secret growth hormone.

“Let’s face it – nobody wants to mess around with Baby Stalin, babies are gross,” Tuporyazev added. “This has definitely been done on at least one American soap opera, so we’re confident that the experiment will be a success.”

Reached for comment, Russian Orthodox Church representative Father Pafnuty Buldogov said that while the church normally frowns on cloning, they are willing to make an exception “this one time.”

Asked whether or not the Church is concerned about the possibility of priests being shot should Cloned Stalin assume power, Father Pafnuty pointed out “the role of the Jews, the Western media” and what he described as “a succession of carefully disguised Lizard People presiding over the American White House” in the “distortion” of the legacy of Stalin.

Father Pafnuty went on to say that the Lizard People are easily identifiable by their “distinct terrarium smell.”

“You know when you’re in the zoo, and you go to the snake section, and it smells like straw and dead mice and poop?” Father Pafnuty clarified.

Russia In Your Face!!! took to the streets to assess Muscovites’ reaction to the cloning poll.

“This news is complete [expletive],” a man in his 20s, who identified himself as Lyokha, said.

“They can’t clone Stalin, Stalin never died,” Lyokha, who described his profession as “stacking crates,” went on to say. “I saw him last Tuesday – he  was in the Pyatorochka grocery store over there, right across the street, there was a woman in leopard tights on his arm and they were buying kagor – you know, the real stuff, from Kuban, none of that pussy French Cahors [expletive].”

Others had a less sceptical reaction to the news. Alevtina Oduvanchik, a pensioner in her 80s, told Russia In Your Face!!! that “I think I’m hyperventilating, get my purse, there is Corvalol in there. No, not that one! That’s my avoska, the purse is right here! Don’t you know the difference between a purse and an avoska, you brain-dead idiot!”

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