MOSCOW – With a feint recognition among Russians the length and breadth of the country’s four largest Moscow poodle grooming parlours, Tina Candelabra counts herself as a world celebrity.
Now the theoretically popular, silicone-inflated horror has spilled the beans on an astonishing secret from an unlikely corner, the shadowy world of the military.
RIYF caught up with the internationally self-beloved troll as she sweated serenely in a dill scented sauna just a breast implant’s throw from the Kremlin walls.
“I heard it in some club,” Candelabra snorted through a haze as white as the top bar of the Russian tricolour. “We were talking about Tom Cruise and someone said he was a scientist or something, and then someone said some missile, I think it was called the missile impossible or something, was named after him.”
As any observant reader of RIYF will know, there is only one missile that could be, the world’s most hated missile, the U.S. cruise missile. Or should we call it, the Tom-Cruise-Hawk missile. Russian scholars estimate cruise missiles were used to kill more than 1 million schoolchildren in the world since records began.
Pausing to wipe away some caviar that had fallen from lips numbed by cosmetic procedures, Candelabra continued, “one time the girls and I got on the Beluga and things got a little crazy.”
“Great taste in vodka!” Our intrepid reporter said.
“No,” corrected Tina with what we imagine would have been a cheeky raise of the eyebrow.
“We hired a Beluga whale and were riding it round the swimming pool. It was going crazy. Apparently it didn’t like the chlorine or something. Well I wouldn’t know, that’s not what I was drinking. Anyway, I slipped off and hit my head on the side of the pool but just before I blacked out I remember one the girls saying that the actress Penelope Cruz inspired the name of some Russian missile when she came to Moscow for some film premiere, Pilates in the Caribbean or something. That woman is in such good shape.”
The revelations that Russian cruise missiles are more sleek and talented and less weird than their U.S. counterparts comes as no surprise to self-proclaimed Kremlin favourite Candelabra.
“Russia’s amazing. We have so many amazing cruise missiles even Tom Cruise would be amazed,” gushed Candelabra before taking a call from an ageing but influential friend and having to rush off to a hotel.
Both the Russian and U.S. security services declined to comment on the story, indicating an official desperation to silence the silicone whistleblower before she can beat her chest any further.
But Miss Candelabra refuses to be snuffed out.
“When me and my girls get chatting we always return to the same topics,” she announced, trying valiantly to set her face in a stern frown.