by Dick Hoover
When I see all those Syrian refugees fleeing the Islamic State, which incidentally was created by the CIA, I can’t help but think of my own history as a refugee. But unlike those refugees who are flooding into Europe and destroying its culture, I came to Russia as a refugee from America, and I must say that Russia has certainly benefited from my presence. When Russians complain about things like “corruption” and “backwardness,” I helpfully remind them that they are traitors to their people, or more accurately our people, seeing that my great-great grandfather was part Czech.
Don’t think the benefits go only one way, however. The truth is that since I moved to Russia, my life has never been better, and I’d like to tell you exactly how Russia has improved my life.
–Back in America, people are always accusing you of racism, sexism, and homophobia. How is it racist if I say that the Democratic party dupes black people and Mexicans into voting for them by offering them free stuff? I’m only saying what everyone’s thinking! Come on!
–In America, women call you creepy when you stare at them on the bus for several minutes straight. They get so offended when you try to give them helpful advice you read on the internet, such as how they should try to get pregnant and have children as soon as possible before their pelvis hardens.
–And speaking of women, why is chivalry dead in America? In America if you hold open a door for a woman, she pepper sprays you. Yeah, even if you’re a white guy! Western women were corrupted by feminism, which guys have told me is a man-hating ideology that teaches women to use men as cash machines. Russian woman are far superior because they are much less demanding. My wife told me all she wants from me is a beautiful child and my love. And also an apartment. And a car. And jewelry. And shoes. And regular vacations in Europe. Anyway, your loss, Western women!
–In America I had to do things like file my taxes. In Russia, my company simply falsifies my income to make it look as though I’m paid $200 a month. Then they take care of the taxes!
–In Russia, everyone listens to me because they know that I am right and my opinions matter. Not like in America where people got angry or pretended they were getting a phone call from a relative with a serious medical emergency just to escape our conversation. Of course most Russians don’t usually ask me about politics. They just want to ask me if I like the same American bands or movies they do, petty stuff like that. I suspect this is due to the sinister Western influence that still plagues Russia in spite of Putin’s wise leadership.
–And speaking of Putin, it sure is great to live under a genuinely MANLY president for once. I’m so sick of seeing those limp-wristed presidents like Obama or pasty butterball prime ministers like David Cameron. And Angela Merkel? She actually has a vagina! Not like Putin, who is most assuredly penis-equipped. When Putin takes off his shirt you know who the real man in the room is. When you feel those strong, muscular arms around you, holding you, you know that you can rest at ease in warming stability.
–Another thing I couldn’t stand about America was all the gay stuff. Rainbow flags, gay pride parades. I’m not a homophobe, I just think that those people should completely hide their sexuality from view at all times. Have you ever seen a gay pride parade? I have, believe me. I’ve seen a lot of gay parades and you wouldn’t believe what they do there. I know exactly what they do because I make it a point to find the most outrageous photographs from gay parades around the world and keep them in a special research folder on my computer.
–In America my best job was at a call center where I made $8 an hour plus commissions for every timeshare seminar I booked. In Russia, however, people are always giving me exciting new jobs. Just the other day I was invited to be a guest on a Russian radio station so I could tell ordinary Russians how horrible it is to live in the United States. I’m sure that all these job opportunities can’t have anything to do with the fact that I’m American or that I speak English. It can’t be that because the Russians fully understand the deep bonds we have via my own Slavic blood, and therefore this is my true homeland. No, I think the real credit for my success in Russia belongs to none other than that great statesman, Vladimir Putin.
–Back in the States, when I complained about America some people weren’t all that receptive. They’d try to tell me that the government wasn’t using my tax dollars to fund abortions, that I was fired from my last job for “gross incompetence” and not because an illegal immigrant took my job, or that if I groped them again they would call the club’s security. In Russia that doesn’t happen. Because of the deep connection I share with Russians due to our common Slavic heritage, they instinctively know that my complaining about America contains vital insight. I know this is the case because Russians hang on my every word any time I lecture them about how terrible life in America was for me.
–In America, presidential campaigns are a nightmare. The media starts their hysterical coverage even a year before the campaign really begins. Here in Russia that doesn’t happen. We hear the election is coming up, the Russian people dutifully elect Putin virtually unanimously save for the fifth column traitors in the pay of the US State Department, and Putin is inaugurated. While you poor souls in America still have no idea who the GOP candidate will be, I already know who the Russian president will be in the next election.
–In America, Christianity is banned because the gays don’t like it. You can’t be a Christian in America. That’s why I prefer living in Russia. Now I’m an Orthodox Christian, which is even better than being a Christian in America before it was banned. This way, I can be a Christian and uphold traditional values but I don’t have to go to church.
Lots of Americans and other Westerners are seeing the light and exchanging the red, white, and blue for the Russian colors, which are actually the same, but with more freedom. Any American who is fed up with the government and the decaying morals of American society should consider moving to Russia. I guarantee you’ll see a major improvement in your life!*
*For best results, be a heterosexual white male.
Dick Hoover is a former retail clerk and timeshare condo specialist who has been living in Russia since 2002 for reasons he prefers not to get into, so don’t ask. Seriously do not ask. Nobody wants a repeat of last year’s corporate New Year’s party, rest assured of that. Hoover is now a political analyst and gives lectures at Moscow State University on the topic of the dollar’s imminent collapse and the coming second American Civil War.