by Dick Hoover

The West has an obsession with Putin. The Western mainstream media hates him, as do the lying, imperialist neocon politicians. But on the internet it’s a different story. There you can find plenty of Westerners, especially disenfranchised Americans, who just can’t get enough of Russia’s hero-in-chief. Just the other day on Facebook I got a recommendation to join a group for Putin supporters in America. It was called “American Supporters of Russia President Vladimir Putin.” The description says it all:

“This group created by Americans, for Americans, who are loving the Russia president V.V. Putin. Putin is THE BEST, and doesn’t afraid of nothing. That is why we want him to be America president.”

See how popular he is? But the Putin love isn’t just on Facebook; check out the comments sections on mainstream media articles full of lies about Russia. There you will see tons of comments like these:

“Author of this article is liar. I am American and love America, and this is why I am agree with Putin, who is better president than Obama. Obama made ISIS but Putin is beating them. I’m American citizen, who supports VV Putin!”

–User “American_Patriot1776”

“Why is our media always lying about Russia and their clever president VLADIMIR VLADIMIROVICH PUTIN? I am sick of West media lies! I am American and I support Putin 200%!!! Alaska should return to Russia!”

-User “AmericanEagle”

The outpouring of support for Putin in America almost makes me consider returning home, but of course every time I do that, I also think of all the problems like paying taxes, hard work, and of course American women, the very thought of which makes me taste pepper spray in the back of my throat. Besides, here in Russia I’m closer to Putin. One day, perhaps we will meet. He’ll come to the office for a tour, and while he’s speaking with the staff our eyes will meet, and he will give his signature wink…Ah but I digress!

So what it is it about Putin that makes him so popular with Westerners? Some say it is because many Americans are fed up with their lying, corrupt government. Of course the lying Western mainstream media claims that Putin’s government is corrupt too, but this is nonsense. Sure, there’s corruption in Russia. A lot of corruption in Russia. Corruption every day, in fact. But what they aren’t telling you is that Putin doesn’t know about most of this. He is aware that it exists, but he doesn’t know who’s behind it. He’s trying to find them though, and he’s been at it for fifteen years now. That’s persistence.

Americans also like the fact that Putin is far more honest and direct. Obama said he and his “coalition”would stop ISIS, but ISIS continues to exist to this day. Not to mention the fact that I’ve recently seen numerous pictures in my Facebook feed which point out that the US government actually controlled ISIS, and its members may in fact be CIA agents. That’s what I call a consensus. Putin on the other hand, announced that he would destroy ISIS, and within 24 hours his planes had destroyed 75% of ISIS’ forces. Unlike the neocon warmongers of NATO, Russian planes bomb for true freedom, and they sure are cool looking too.

But I think what makes Putin most appealing to Americans, or at least to an American like me personally, is his personal life. He’s a family man; he has an ex-wife and two daughters who live somewhere and do things. He has a dog. He is an avid sportsman. He works out with his friends and then drinks tea with them. But more than that, he is a man, a real man, and that’s what so many Americans and Westerners find lacking about their own so-called “leaders.”

Western leaders, from Obama to Merkel, are so effeminate. You never see photos of them holding guns or riding horses without shirts. Putin isn’t afraid to show his bare chest and rippling muscles. I think when an American sees that, not me but some other American, they are positively enchanted. You look at those arms and you just want them to be wrapped around you, comforting you, warming you, keeping you safe. It’s like they, definitely they, imagine relaxing with Putin after a challenging session of Judo training. Body aching after getting thrown to the mat repeatedly. The sweat built up from rigorous activity while wearing that heavy kimono. Then you wash it away in the shower and there, in the locker room, wearing a towel around his waist, is your sensei, Vladimir Vladimirovich. And he invites you to his private banya. Oops! There I go digressing again! But that part’s not about me, of course. That’s about other people. Not me.

I often get criticism from neocons, lying Western journalists, and NATO psyops comment trolls, who claim that I am a “sycophant who worships Putin,” a “paid propagandist working for a Kremlin-run news agency,” and a “moronic, half-literate jackass who is probably a registered sex offender.” Well let me make one thing perfectly clear- I am not a mindless cheerleader for Putin. I have my criticisms of Putin as well. No leader is perfect, and though Putin comes pretty close to that, I have a few complaints.

Just to give you an example of some of my criticisms of Putin, I notice that a lot of Russians like to buy imported goods such as clothes and electronics. I think this is wrong, and I wish that Putin would expand his counter-sanctions to include all Western products, but alas, he doesn’t. But we are not meant to comprehend his logic. He knows what we cannot know. I also don’t like the fact that while Russia is building more churches, most younger Russians don’t go on Sundays. I think that Putin should sign a law requiring them to attend church. The law shouldn’t apply to foreign residents, even if they converted to Orthodoxy like me, but I just like the idea of Russians being more religious, just like they were in the 19th century. It’s more Russian. I also wish he’d make folk dancing a mandatory course in schools and ban Western degenerate music. But again, only Putin knows what is right for Russia.

Would you look at that? So much criticism of Putin you’d almost think I’m one of those filthy, American-financed opposition activists (who Putin should jail)! Just kidding, I’d never, ever, have anything in common with those traitors. I swear to you and with full loyalty I swear directly to Russia’s president Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin himself, that I am 100% on his side as Putin is Russia and Russia is Putin. One country, one leader.

I can only look back at my poor, oppressed brethren in my ruined homeland with pity. Do not give up hope, you Americans living under tyranny. One day, you may be liberated by Russia and experience the joy of freedom under Putin’s wise rule. But that day may be a long way off, possibly six months to even a year, and so if you can write good and love Russia maybe you can do like me and move to Russia. And then you’ll be closer to Putin too! Yes. Closer.

Dick Hoover is a former forklift operator and telemarketer who has been living in Russia since 2002 for reasons that are wholly irrelevant and need not be explained in this bio. For several years he wrote columns in several expat publications and reviews for strip clubs and massage parlors in Moscow. He now works at RIYF as a political analyst. He spends most of his free time struggling to master the Russian language.