The CIA blew up electricity pylons in Ukraine that have left the Crimean peninsula without power, says a local man with intimate knowledge of the matter.

RIYF was approached by Arkady Nazhralis at around 4am on Monday morning outside an electricity substation fence in Crimea’s regional capital, Simferopol.

“Look here”, he said, pointing to some dog faeces in the grass, “you can see where they got through the fence.”

The astonishing revelation has brought a stunned wall of silence from CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia, United States of America. A RIYF tweet about the topic received not a whisper of comment from CIA operatives.

Meanwhile Arkady had other bombshells to drop. When shown a picture of the destroyed pylons in Ukraine, he frowned for a long time.

“See if you twist that Tatar flag’s arms in on themselves, lift the bottom bit up and poke a whole in the middle it looks just like illuminati symbol the CIA uses as their real, behind the scenes logo. You know the one that’s on U.S. dollars. I saw one of those once,” Arkady was reeling from the truth he had uncovered. So much so he fell over into a pile of empty beer cans.

Arkady’s shocking expose chimes uncannily with the findings of RIYF’s own analysis unit.

“The United States of America’s Central Intelligence Agency blew up the pylons to try and bring the Russian Federation to its knees, or to keep the Russian Federation on its knees, or to lift the Russian Federation up onto its knees.”

“Alternatively, or possibly concurrently, those pylons were blown up to force another coup disguised as a colour revolution in Ukraine because the Central Intelligence Agency’s ‘Coup Unit’ was bored and needed to justify its budget. Remember, the U.S. coup budget is 5% greater than that of the Russian Federation’s Education Ministry, Agriculture Ministry and Border Control Agency combined.”

It seems the mystery is solved. And once again the knuckles of blame have cracked back on themselves to reveal the CIA as the source of the trouble.