Creepy, middle-aged expat to Putin: “Thank GOD the ruble has devalued”

MOSCOW – Mark Prat, a 57-year-old expat who holds the mysterious title of Strategic Foreign Relations Expert-Consultant at a totally legit and on-level Russian bank, has praised Russian President Vladimir Putin for a political/economic strategy that has resulted in the sharp devaluation of Russia’s national currency, the ruble. 

“Thank GOD the ruble has devalued,” Prat told RIYF in an exclusive interview. “Let’s face it, when it was 30 rubles to the dollar, I was noticing that the young women in this town were getting all sorts of ideas. They were repeatedly telling me that I’m too much of an ugly asshole to date them.”

According to Prat, the ruble’s dramatic decline has vastly improved his game.

“Nowadays, I go to the club and yell things like, ‘HEY LADIES, I CAN NOW AFFORD TO BUY YOU TEN LOUSY, WATERED-DOWN COCKTAILS INSTEAD OF FIVE’ over badly remixed DJ Smash hits,” Prat says. “I haven’t had anyone fall for that line yet, but you know they will, eventually. They’re starting to crack. I can feel it.”

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Prat rejects the notion that Putin shouldn’t take credit for the ruble’s fantastical fall.

“The man gets enough criticism,” Prat says. “Ukraine’s junta is smearing him – speaking of the junta, those Ukrainian girls are something, amirite? – and that Samantha Power person, and Angela Urkel, or whatever her name is, they are all trying to get Putin down. Just let him ENJOY the fact that he managed to ride the ruble off a cliff when nobody believed that he could do it.”

Prat takes a particular delight in knowing that the ruble’s plummet has resulted in Russians traveling abroad less.

“I’m from a place called Jerome, and ladies are always making fun of that,” Prat says. “They say, ‘Jerome? What’s that?’ Well, guess what, ladies, your Russian boyfriends can’t afford to take you shopping in Manhattan anymore. So you are coming to the Buzz Antique and Craft Mall. With me.”

Prat thinks that the ruble’s self-immolation must have been a tough act to pull off – and praises Putin’s strategic thinking in helping push the national currency off the ledge and into the fires of Mt. Doom.

“Russia is a tough country to get stuff done,” Prat points out. “There’s bureaucracy and red tape. Organizing a currency apocalypse must’ve taken a lot of lunch-time meetings. Those are the worst. I can’t help but drink, and I even got banned from this cafe for puking in a flower pot at 2 p.m. once. I said, I DID NOT COME ALL THE WAY TO RUSSIA TO GET BANNED FROM YOUR ESTABLISHMENT BECAUSE OF A FLOWER POT. DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR I’VE TRAVELED, YOU GODDAMN RUSSKIES? And they said, ‘Yeah, Mike, you’re from Idaho, you say that every time you come in here,’ which was rude, since that’s not even my name…Anyway, my point is, we should all just lay our criticism aside and appreciate the fact that President Putin has put in a lot of honest work in his efforts to disembowel the ruble and bury it in a shallow grave.”

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