RUBLYOVKA – Following sanctions and the decline of the Russian ruble, the vulture-like Western press has been abuzz with stories of an increased poverty rate in Russia. But for members of the Russian elite such as Sergei Pontov, the worsened economic climate is the perfect chance to give back. 

Pontov, who made his fortune in the 1990s by participating in “business stuff,” has given RIYF an exclusive peek at how he has adapted his lifestyle to be closer to that of his poor, huddled fellow citizens.

“See that infinity pool way over there?” Pontov gestured across the vast distance of his estate, making RIYF’s correspondent squint. “We used to fill it up with Krug – you know, the really expensive Krug – but now we’re filling it up with non-vintage Charles Heidsieck champagne out of respect for people who are less fortunate.”

Pontov’s need to express solidarity with the bedraggled peasants who are lucky enough to share a national identity with him also extends to teaching members of his family how to live more frugally.

“My wife, my mistress, and my other mistress have all received pep talks on cutting non-essential spending: this has meant finding a cheaper cocaine dealer AND going for regular peacocks for our new zoo, as opposed to those leucistic Indian peacocks that cost twice as much,” Pontov said. “But I am really proud of my third mistress in particular – the sweet girl has decided to forgo new butt implants and donate the silicone polymer to those in need.”

Pontov doesn’t wish to be labeled a hero for going out of his way to show the flea-bitten lepers among his compatriots just how much he cares.

“Look, it’s not hard to forgo the second pound of white truffles, and who says you need to drink vodka specifically out of an Imperial Faberge egg?” Pontov confided. “And I don’t order caviar spa wraps for my albino cats anymore – because I know that there are pets out there whose owners can’t even afford to give them a sapphire massage every once in a while. It’s a horrific new reality that other Russian billionaires-who-care will eventually have to face.”