Crisis schmisis: Russia’s economy is not “suffering” and Rolls Royce sales prove it

MOSCOW – The New York Times’ Neil MacFuckedIfWeCanSpellIt has recently claimed that Russia is in the throes of an “economic crisis” that has been worsened by the “oil price collapse” and has caused some people close to retirement age or older to ramble like Grampa Simpson about grocery prices, transportation subsidies, shuffleboard, bundt cakes, and other stuff old people like

While it is touching that Mr. MacFubarLastName is willing to listen to older people his reporting makes it seem as though the Russian economy is in trouble, which is laughable.

Case in point: Rolls Royce sales actually went UP in Russia.

We know what the naysayers will screech, “Oh, but luxury cars are for the upper classes. You’re mouth-breathing morons for suggesting that sales for certain brands couldn’t go up while the rest of the economy is shrinking.”

But as Russian President Vladimir Putin recently said, patriotism is the only Russian national idea.

READ MORE: Patriotic butthurt can be utilized as alternative energy

If patriotism is the ONLY Russian national idea – that means Russia can’t have any other ideas.

Ergo, the patriotic Russian elite cannot carouse, do designer drugs, entertain the company of nubile young prostitutes, and stuff those prostitutes’ bodies into the trunks of their freshly bought Rolls Royces UNLESS the rest of the country is also getting by fine, has extra beets for its beet soup, and is not getting even so much as nibbled by lice – because doing so would be unpatriotic.

READ MORE: Patriotic Russian billionaire downgrades lifestyle in solidarity with poverty-stricken countrymen

Simple logic, something they clearly don’t teach at the New York Times School for Douchey Journalists Who Probably All Wear Argyle Sweaters And Call Each Other “Good Sir”, proves that the Russian economy is mostly OK.

Sure, the ruble may have become more streamlined and aerodynamic – but that’s the price of progress. Your iPhone isn’t bulky anymore. Why shouldn’t your ruble also be sleeker?


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