EDINBURGH- The ships came all night. Dozens of them pouring into the Firth of Forth stacked with Russian tanks, troops and defensive nuclear missiles.
This is the new look Scottish-Russian defence force, a hybrid of Highland bravery and Russian know-how.
Unloading at the Forth Ports RIYF saw at least 40,000 heavily armed Russian soldiers greeted by crowds of Scots throwing flowers, whiskey bottles and shetland ponies in adoration.
“They’re saviours!,” cried Morag MacKrankie from the throng. “They’re gonee keck them Englesh arses!”
Ever since Scotland severed all ties from England in a surprise “polite independence” referendum, relations with England have gone from ‘actually the same country’ to ‘medieval bloodlust’.
The referendum, kindly provided for free with minimal preparation time and totally fair voting standards by Russia’s Central Election Commission, returned a 96% result for “Immediately hostile relations with the fascist dictatorship in London,” which was two of the two options on the ballot paper.
Russian President Vladimir Putin, now ‘Lord Protector of Scotland’ removed Nicola Sturgeon from her post, “despite the wonderful association with caviar in her last name,” and replaced her with Alex Salmond as President of the People’s Republic of Scotland, “because only a man – with a penis – could handle such a demanding task.”
At midnight, on television screens turned up to full volume over the clank of Russian tank tracks, Putin addressed a grateful Scottish nation from the Kremlin palace in Moscow-
“We have secured Hadrian’s wall and are rebuilding it. The cowardly English have fled in their nuclear submarines and fluffy black hats. Scotland is free once more. Freely under Russian protection. But we will still keep the pound as the currency.”
England was not available for comment.
The Head of Russia’s Central Election Commission, Vladimir Churov, was overheard saying that a new referendum will be held on Scotland joining the Russian Federation. He was quick to add that the people would be the ones to decide on the fate of Scotland,
“The Russian people will decide. It will be a free and fair vote,” he said.
War is now expected, but as RIYF has already reported, advanced new Russian weapons will render the former United Kingdom puppets of Obama defenceless against the righteous Russians and their quaint little Scottish helpers.
Asked to comment on developments to RIYF, Mel Gibson, the actor who famously and accurately portrayed Scottish freedom fighter William Wallace, said, “What do you think you’re looking at, sugar t**s?”