SUDAK- After a fascist terrorist attack on power lines supplying electricity to Crimea left millions in the dark, Russian residents of the peninsula have used the CIA-sponsored Bandarite sabotage as a pretext to harness the greatest source of light known to mankind: The Russian soul.
Days after mysterious blue and yellow explosions cut transmission lines from fascist-occupied Ukraine to the historical homeland of Russian Christianity, the Bandarite junta in Kiev, on orders from their Washington paymasters, have failed to restore power supplies to Crimea.
In response to the clear provocation, Russia has threatened to liberate elderly Ukrainian Nazi collaborators from their body heat by terminating vitally indispensable coal supplies in justifiable retaliation.
Some residents, unsurprisingly, were upset by the latest incursion into Crimea’s sovereignty.
“You know, at first I really thought we’d be f****d without electricity,” Ivan Patriotov, a 36-year-old who formally operated a hotel in Sudak frequented largely by Bandarites prior to Crimea’s liberation from fascist occupation, told RIYF.
“I mean, 70 percent of our tourists used to be fascists, and when we kept them from coming here to kill Russian children and rent out my spacious rooms, well my business went bust. But now no electricity, well f***ing f***,” he said.
“I would kill for a Big Mac” he added.
With Russia’s successful foreign policy likely to divert tourists from Egypt and Backstabistan, however, Patriotov believes Russians will start patriotically filling the hole left in the country’s tourist industry.
“I mean f***, where else will they go come New Years: Cherepovets?”
But it’s not just tourist operators like Patriotov who needs vital holes to be filled by his Russian brethren. Seventy percent of Crimea’s electricity was provided by the fascist junta as well, leaving Crimeans perilously dependent on a country that never even existed in the first place.
All that just might change thanks to Anatoly Kashpirovsky, the renowned 76-year-old Russian psychotherapist who has long believed the power of the Russian soul could become a very literal light to the world.
“It once was my job to heal the Russian soul, to harness it’s power for the greater good of mankind,” Kashpirovsky said. “And I will do just that; tap into the inner resources of the body, flood the peninsula with bioluminescence.”
When asked how exactly the light of the Russian soul would be channeled to the peninsula’s power grid, Kashpirovsky stared blankly off into space for several minutes, before replying: “Have you seen The Matrix? I think we could do something like that.”
As for how long it would take to implement such a system, Kashpirovsky admitted he wasn’t sure on all of the specifics, though he had no doubt it will be “less time than needed to finish construction of the Kerch Strait Bridge.” Kashpirovsky says he has been in regular talks with several high-ranking officials from Russia’s oil and gas sector, who he claims have already earmarked $20 billion dollars for the project.
Some, however, have taken issue with the latest display of Russian technological innovation.
“Even as late as the 1990s, one could sit with Russian intellectuals, amid all the political upheaval in those days, and they would talk intensely about the nature of the Russian soul”, David Brooks of the New York Times told told RIYF by e-mailed comment.
“If it was dark in the kitchen at night, they wouldn’t just say, ‘Let’s replace the light bulb.’ They’d talk for hours about how actually the root problem was the Russian soul,” he continued.
“But these new Russians, blow up a few pylons and they’re immediately talking about hooking people up to some god-damned vacuum cleaner-like contraption to suck their souls out 100 watts at a time. Dostoevsky would never approve.”