Millions dead in traditional U.S. Black Friday stampedes, as Wall Street’s rich place bets on the slaughter

The Aztecs tore people’s beating hearts out on top of a ziggurat, the Romans had people stabbed, hacked and devoured by lions in the coliseum….and now America’s rotten empire has perfected its own gruesome form of entertainment/worship.

Praying as they do to Mammon, the shadowy rulers of the United States of America force the country’s downtrodden classes each November to scramble, fight and crush each other to get into the great cathedrals of America’s ruthless consumerism, shops.

It’s estimated at least thirty million Americans lost their lives this time round, with especially bloody scenes in New York, Chicago and San Francisco, with convoys of municipal rubbish disposal trucks necessary to cart away the tens of thousands of mangled corpses and dump them in the grounds of nearby retirement homes and children’s hospitals.

“I got myself a TV with 70% discount! And a microwave! A good day all in all,” screamed one likely grieving mother in North Carolina who’s three children may have been swept away in the tide of human misery.

“It was a bit of a squeeze and the poor cashiers were worked pretty hard but we all gave them tips and everyone was well behaved,” chuckled one depraved maniac who our reporter thought he saw just before the above quote beating a pregnant mother’s skull in with a baseball bat in order to get his hands on a toilet roll with 5% discount.


But the real maniacs aren’t going to the stores, RIYF has bravely revealed. The American Khmer Rouge behind these piles of innocent corpses, are the wolves of Wall Street.

“It was hilarious. I bet Chad four drinks at the bar on it,” said one Wall Street Banker overheard by another of our reporters, no doubt talking about bets on the fate of the wretched masses.

RIYF estimates that from the high offices around Times Square the Dollar Dictators can watch honest Americans below engage in a Hunger Games style struggle for survival.

It’s a system incomprehensible to Russia’s government, members of which would never dream of making their people suffer while they continued to live lives of luxury.

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