“Raise the taxes! Raise the taxes! Platon’s too cheap!”

After the U.S. State Department tried to pay off a small group of treacherous truck drivers to protest Platon, Russia’s new truck tax system, a 200-million strong counter-protest of true Russian patriots has once again shown Obama who’s boss. 

Millions upon millions of Russians came out in support of hefty taxes for truckers – standing alongside Russia’s roads with signs that read “TAXES RULE” and “PUTIN’S FRIENDS DESERVE THE BEST,” the latter in reference to allegations that the wealthy Cattenburg family, who are part of Russian President Vladimir Putin’s inner circle, stands to financially benefit from the new system.

In those Russian villages where there are no roads, counter-protesters stood in ditches and fields. There was a festive, carnival-like atmosphere as patriots burned effigies of John Kerry and Bryan Adams.

When asked why Bryan Adams, the patriots replied, “Why not?” and “Because he can [expletive] off with his American [expletive] music, that’s why.”