BREAKING: Putin revealed to be Christ

The holiday season has just received a boost of Biblical proportions as Russian President Vladimir Putin has been revealed to be Jesus Christ. 

Breaking rank with russophobic Western colleagues, Dutch investigative journalist Henrike Thranbam has produced the ultimate evidence that Putin is the Second Coming of the Son of God.

In exclusive comments to RIYF, Thranbam, who worked full-time as a recreational drug tester before launching a high-flying media career, explained what led to her astonishing discovery.

“What first tipped me off was this: Backstabistan shot down a Russian plane, but Putin did not fly to Istanbul – or wherever Backstabistan’s capital is – to beat the living daylights out of their president,” Thranbam said. “That’s what got me thinking: could the Russian president be, at the very least, a saint?”

A true professional, Thranbam had to dig deeper for the facts. Soon enough, an unnamed Kremlin source revealed an astonishing story to her.

“I was told that not long ago Putin was strolling through his residence when he tripped over a cat,” Thranbam recalled. “Now, what would a man who’s NOT the Son of God do in that situation? That’s right – he’d take the filthy animal and repeatedly smash it against a wall. But – and there are several witnesses to this – Putin just said, ‘F*ck!’, rolled his eyes, and kept walking.”

At this point, Thranbam knew that Putin was probably much more than a garden variety saint. Still, in keeping with the rules of investigative journalism, she had to gather more evidence.

“I disguised myself as a nun, hid behind a pillar in a church, and waited until the Orthodox Patriarch was alone for a moment,” Thranbam confesses. “Then I jumped out from behind the pillar and screamed, ‘WHO IS PUTIN? TELL ME THE TRUTH!’ while waving my arms around and shining a laser pointer into his eyes. The Patriarch shouted ‘Jesus Christ!’ as he fell backward. And just like that, the final piece of the puzzle fell into place.”

In spite of solving the mystery of the Second Coming, Thranbam remains a down-to-earth and unassuming person.

“Above all else, I want to inspire young professionals in the field of investigative journalism,” she told RIYF. “I want to tell them – keep chasing that evidence. Keep connecting those dots. People may laugh, they may jeer, they may say ‘oh, she’s just a batsh*t lunatic whose fake press card is held together by some paper clips and has a picture of Carrot Top.’ It doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s in your heart. And in your bloodstream. Stay away from bad batches of Molly – get a dealer you can trust.”

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