Moscow to halt all transportation to Far East to stop fifth column defections

BLAGOVESHCHENSK- Fears of a Western takeover and economic decline have prompted authorities to cut off all transportation to Russia’s Far East in order to force residents to stay put and get their region in order.

“At first, we decided to let the roads deteriorate to the point where no one could drive on them; easing residents into the idea that soon there would be no means of leaving the territory,” Presidential Envoy to the Far East Yury Trutnev, told RIYF.

According to Trutnev, the recent departure of Transaero — Russia’s second-largest airline — from the region is part of a broader effort to cut off airborne escape routes as well.

“We figured initially, it would be easier to simply make flying too costly for the majority of residents. That way, when we finally move to shut down airports altogether, few will even notice.”

There are also unconfirmed reports that former national railway chief Vladimir Yakunin tore up the majority of tracks leading into the region, selling off the scrap to China in order to enlarge a fur coat storage facility vital to Russia’s national security.

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Some, however, feel the measures have not gone far enough.

“Residents of the Far East are descended from scum, prisoners and traitors! Why else do you think the Jewish Autonomous Region is there!” Liberal Democrat Party chief Vladimir Zhirinovsky screamed at a packed session of the Duma on Monday.

“Deploy a million barrier troops to the region, shoot them down like dogs if they attempt to flee on foot! We must do it for the glory of Russia!”

Zhirinovsky also suggested deporting all of Chechnya to Sakhalin, and then bombing it.

The steps are intended to keep less than patriotic citizens from abandoning their civic duty to develop a region which, at its current rate of decline, could resemble Detroit by 2050.

While the Far East constitutes 36 percent of Russia’s national territory, just over 6.29 million people live in the resource-rich region, which Madeleine Albright has long dreamed of cleaving from Russia.

Meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin has actively courted Chinese investment in the region, where anywhere between 250 and 500 million Chinese citizens are believed to be kindly visiting, working and governing as tourists on any given week.

However the region’s proximity to China is not without its risks

“With The Treaty of Friendship and Good Neighborliness set to sunset in 2021, China could once again lay claim to the Far East, as it has done for centuries,” Arkady Shishkin, an associate professor of regional and international studies at the Far Eastern Federal University, told RIYF.

“But Russian President Vladimir Putin wisely decided to sell Beijing cubic-f***tons of gas at below market value for the next 30 years to keep our eastern friend happy,” Shishkin said.

“There was no other way to keep NATO out of Siberia,” he added.

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