Patriotic butthurt can be utilized as alternative energy

ORENBURG- Russia has outsmarted the West once again, turning NATO encirclement and sanctions on their head to help harness a new, renewable source of energy.

Butthurt is generally thought to be a useless emotional reaction internet users suffer when they see things which outrage them. To Russian scientists, however, it looks more like an endless source of energy.

“Our people are patriots, and good patriots naturally get outraged when other countries try to humiliate their homeland,” Dr. Valery Volkov of the Orenburg Technical College explained. “In very patriotic people, this outrage converts into a form of heat energy, which spreads throughout the gluteus maximus region.”

According to Volkov, this makes it possible to generate electricity. Patriotic citizens are hooked into special heat-conducting sofas. They are forced to watch consecutive news broadcasts on topics such as sanctions, gay parades, Ukraine, NATO military exercises, and the Turkish air force.

“At this point, butthurt begins to build,” Volkov said. “Normally this would just dissipate into regular furniture or the air. But we tap off the heat produced by the butthurt, and direct it to tanks of water which begin to boil and create steam. The steam in turn drives a turbine and generates electricity.”

So far there is only a small-scale butthurt power generator prototype at the college in Orenburg. Volkov says that he expects Russian leaders to set up the country’s first BPS (Butthurt Power Station) in the Crimea in order to deal with the recent Turko-Ukrainian sabotage which led to blackouts in the peninsula.

“We have the technology, and the whole region is sitting on a veritable volcano of butthurt. We just need to generate enough initial power via conventional means to run all those televisions.”



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