MOSCOW – The Russian Academy of Sciences headquarters on Moscow’s Leninsky Prospekt has been blockaded by Orthodox Christians who are offended by the academy’s name/existence. 

“Only having the word ‘sciences’ in there implies that science is somehow better that religion,” Orthodox activist Kuzma Dlinny told a RIYF correspondent on the scene. “They should change it to ‘Russian Academy of Orthodox Sciences,’ or else they’ll be in violation of the law against offending religious feelings.”

Dlinny’s proposal was seen as too moderate by some of the protesters, however.

“Why have an academy of ‘sciences’ to begin with?” activist Vera Pupkina shouted, making air quotes around the word ‘sciences.’ “Science is an intrinsically foreign concept to Russia, and Mendeleev and Timiryazev were gay American spies.”

Other protesters sought compromise.

“I don’t have a problem with the academy’s existence per se,” activist Dmitry Tupikov said. “They just need to spend more time dealing with questions that matter. For example, we all know that if a woman paints her nails, they get possessed by demons. So why not scientifically calculate the amount and density of the demons? If premarital sex causes genocide  – what about premarital oral sex? Can Instagram steal your soul? Where does the sun go at night? Leading Russian scientists should be able to answer those questions – the public is counting on them.”

For other activists, such as Baba Shura, the protest was a chance to express themselves.

“Cat piss,” Baba Shura told RIYF, spitting on our correspondent for extra emphasis. “Cat piss everywhere. I TOLD YOU PEOPLE THE POTATOES WERE A MISTAKE! Don’t touch my plastic bag, I have another plastic bag in there, which has another plastic bag, and that bag has a plastic bag, and that bag has a plastic bag, and then there is a something. Dear Muscovites and guests of the capital, sit on a dick, sit sit on a dick. Those were my galoshes.”