By Mikhail Pavlovich Romanov Mike Przezwalski 

Holy Mother Russia is under siege by NATO and its Anglo-American-Zionist Atlanticist hegemony. She needs help. Not to imply that Russia is at a disadvantage versus the decaying West, but more is always better. That’s why if you value freedom and hate gay parades, you too must join the fight to defend Russia, the last bastion of true Christian values. And if you’re a radical leftist then you should join too, because globalization and corporate US-dominated hegemony!

It’s not hard to become an information warrior. First, you have to have the right sources of information. This means that Russia in Your Face!!! ought to be your home page. Then, you need to follow a simple set of tactics known as the 6-D approach, which has been designed and simplified so as to make it easy to remember. You can implement these tactics in any order and in any combination. Be creative. But not like, “creative class,” gay creative.

1-D: Dismiss

When the enemy information warriors write lies about Russia, simply dismiss them as such. Hopefully they’ll stop posting right then and there, realizing that they are facing a pro-Russian information warrior of similar caliber. Flat out denial is safe so long as Dear Leader doesn’t later admit that the claim was true, a la Crimea. If someone points this out, move on to the next D.

2-D: Distort

Make up false details about the event in question. Create stories about how people in the West support Russia. One way is to find one of our obscure blogs or websites throughout Europe, Canada, or the US, and represent them as a think tank or their writers as academics or experts.

This might seem like lying, but that’s okay because it’s a defense tactic. And anyway, they started it.

3-D: Distract

Start with the two magic words: “What about…” After this, you’re free to choose any historical crime in a country’s history, no matter how old. Whatever that crime is, it negates whatever they’re accusing Russia of doing.

Remember that when you negate an attack on Russia by pointing out the historical crime of another nation, you’re not implying that the two are actually equally bad. Russia’s action is justified  because the other country did something bad. For example, the liberation of the Crimea is justified by the independence of Kosovo, but this doesn’t mean that the independence of Kosovo is morally right, nor are you obligated to concede this point. This should be obvious to any rational person.

4-D: Dismay

The simple way to dismay is to post articles about Russia’s latest weaponry, pointing out how useless it is for NATO to resist such a military juggernaut.

The other way to use this technique is to go undercover. I’ll sometimes pretend to be a neocon russophobic political analyst. I’ll talk about what a dangerous threat Russia is to NATO, and how the West needs to be able to counter that threat. But I’ll also frequently point out how big Russia’s nuclear arsenal is, and how any escalation could lead to all out nuclear war. Then I argue that “we” shouldn’t “poke the bear,” and should give Putin what he wants rather than risk a nuclear apocalypse. You wouldn’t believe how effective this tactic is.

5-D: Dick, be one

Sometimes enemy information warriors just keep pressing on with demands for evidence, or get all hysterical just because you accurately equated Russia’s involvement in Ukraine with slavery in the Antebellum United States. Then it’s time to go after them personally.

First of all, point out that they’re anti-Russian and russophobic. It doesn’t matter if they are ethnically Russian and live in Russia- they’re most likely paid by the State Department to disseminate propaganda from within.

Next, imply or explicitly call them gay. Make sure you reference all the gay sex acts you believe they engage in. Use your imagination.

6-D: Defraud

Sometimes you’ll have to woo the attention of Sodomite-loving leftists in the West, and you don’t want them to know about your right-wing politics or the fact that Putin is a Christian warrior fighting for the very same traditional values that degenerate leftists hate. In this case, make the stupid feminist fag-lover believe that Russia is really about self-determination for indigenous peoples, supporting the global south, resisting globalization, fighting imperialism, and opposing wars. Those college hippies lap that stuff up.

Follow these tactics on Twitter, Facebook, or other social media, and you’ll be a veteran information warrior in no time!

Mikhail Pavlovich Romanov (No, Mike, we’re not letting you write under that name. -ed) Mike Przezwalski is an academic and geopolitical expert who escaped from the United States of America to his ancestral homeland of Russia, which used to include a large part of Poland prior to 1918. He is in a traditional, heterosexual marriage with a Russian woman. In his free time he enjoys board games such as RISK! and Diplomacy, as well as computer games such as World of Warcraft.