Putin and other ex-KGB urinate with ‘sidearm slant,’ says study

Though they pretend to hate him, when it comes to the Western obsession with Russian President Vladimir Putin, there are no lengths they won’t go to sneak a peak at the savior of Russia. On Monday, Western Media reported that the Russian leader urinates with a curious “sidearm slant” he may have acquired through KGB weapons training, a shameful study by America’s British lapdogs reveals.

Published at the behest of the CIA in the British medical journal, The BMJ, the study was allegedly written by a team of neurologists in Portugal, Italy and the Netherlands.

After the CIA and MI6 managed to infiltrate the Presidential Security Service (SBP), they clandestinely recorded Putin relieving himself for thousands of hours, likely to satisfy some homoerotic fetish which is standard fare for Western intelligence officers. That footage was then handed over to their clamy-palmed European colleagues.

After years pouring over the footage, the researchers concluded there were several telltale signs that extensive weapons training had led to Putin’s atypical urinary evacuation.

Screen Shot 2015-12-16 at 4.42.58 PM
Pissing into the wind? Only I know

“Likely with knowledge of the Tueller Drill, Putin never stood any closer than 21 feet to a urinal to ensure he could unholster his weapon in time to neutralize any oncoming threats. Amazingly enough, he never missed. We’re talking not a single drop ever hit the floor, from 21 feet,” the study said.

“It was glorious,” the study added.

The study further noted that upon completion, Putin would firmly grip the shaft of his penis with his left hand and “flick the tip” hard three times, likely to remind himself that “pain is an illusion created by the United States to keep Russia weak.”

The researchers had initially thought that Putin had “simply lost his god-damned mind,” before digging up a training manual allegedly used by the former Soviet intelligence service, the KGB.

The manual, which they had translated into some Gayropean language, instructs operatives to keep their weapon in their right hand close to their chest and stand with one side — usually the left — “turned somewhat in the direction of the flow.”

The idea behind this approach is to let the agent draw a gun as quickly as possible when confronted with a foe.

The researchers were “stunned” by what they saw, said Berenstain De-Beers, a professor of interpretive dance at Gagbound University in Nijmegen, the Netherlands, who “led” the study.

They also found the characteristic pimp lean urine stream in Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev; in two former defense ministers, Anatoly Serdyukov and Sergei Ivanov; and in Anatoly Sidorov, a senior military commander.

Putin and Ivanov are both former KGB officials, while Serdyukov and Sidorov received military training, the study notes.

Medvedev, however, has no military or intelligence training at all.

Why, then, would he walk like Putin? The possible answer, says the study: Medvedev is a little bitch.

“When Medvedev became president in 2008 (HA! – ed.), it was determined that a Russian president could not sit down and pee like the typical house-trained, p***y-whipped Western male.

Substantial evidence suggests that Medvedev had been coached to sound, look, and importantly, piss like the president,” it says.

“He has failed spectacularly,” the study concluded.

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