“They’re everywhere-” 9th columnists create ‘sewers of doom’

MOSCOW/BELOZERSK- Russia’s slump in relations with Turkey has reached new lows, with Turkish sappers thought to have created a vast subterranean network of hiding places and arms depots across Russia.

As RIYF has already reported the Backstabistani hordes have already created 8th columns following the 5th, 6th and 7th columns that Russia is already battling.

We have recently discovered something even more horrific.

After falling down a manhole one evening at around 3am our intern Geoff turned on the light on his phone to find what he says were, “hundreds of eyes staring at him.”

Incontrovertible proof, if ever incontrovertible proof were needed, that a 9TH COLUMN of Backstabistani underground regiments is infesting Russia even as we speak.

“Grab a spade, a pneumatic drill or a stick of dynamite and start tearing up every drain and pipe you can find, there’s not a moment to lose. They’re everywhere,” said Irina Sobyanina, the wife of Moscow Mayor Sergei Sobyanin. “Why do you think the authorities have ordered the digging up of every inch of Moscow’s roads and pavements for the last few years. We’re trying to find them before it’s too late!”

 

2015-11-17-moscow-manhole
An army of Backstabistanis. Hiding in a hole near you.

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We asked one the world’s foremost experts when the Fez donned tide might rise to try and pull Russia’s unrivalled civilisation down?

“I reckon it’ll happen within a week. With Turkish imports banned from Russia they won’t be able to last long before having to come to the surface.” said Andrei Dirkov, a sanitation engineer from rural Russia who regularly clears out the long drop toilet at the end of his garden using a spade and good old fashioned Russian civilisational energy.

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Dirkov pointed out that the Backstabistanis won’t take him alive.

“I’ve got firing places set up in the kitchen, the bedroom and the pantry. I’ve an old machine gun my grandfather gave me from the last war, you know, the one against the falsification of history. As they burst in I’ll shoot myself and my cat rather than us be captured, and I’ll already have pulled the pins of two grenades to take as many of them with me as possible,” said Dirkov between slops of his shovel.

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