On Russia and sanctions: a special message from Steven Seagal

The state of the world is bad. So bad that the evil judge the righteous, the spiritual are oppressed by the not-spiritual, classic films go straight to video and are discarded like yesterday’s garbage in the value bin near the checkout counter.

In the Third Rome, i.e. Moscow (shouldn’t it technically be the Second Rome? Since there is currently only one Rome in existence? Yet the mathematics of history are not mine to judge), however, the value bin shall inherit the earth. ‘Half Past Dead’ will not be panned as the worst thing to happen to movies since Jar Jar Binks’ porn debut. Rather, it will be respected as a great cinematic achievement.

It’s a place where people will come and ask for your autograph when you stand outside of The Ritz-Carlton while totally not waiting to be recognized, where an honest man can open a Planet Hollywood and not be blamed if the slack-jawed cousin of Conchita Wurst is providing sexual services in the bathroom to German businessmen.

crystalcave

Sadly, the mythical land of Russia is under threat by those who do not have such a deep of understanding of Russia as I.

I would like to think I know President Vladimir Putin well, but suffice it to say I know him well enough to say that he is one of the greatest world leaders.

It is not for me to cast doubt on his deft handling of the Russian economy during these difficult times, which, like a well trained fighter, is deceptively streamlined for maximum killing effect.

Russia’s $2.15 trillion economy in 2013 was marked for death on deadly ground. But the $1.2 trillion dollar Russian economy of 2015 is hard to kill.

So for those who are not masters of the eastern arts such as Putin and myself, I can understand how you might merely look at the numbers and say: “Holy sh*t, he was cut in half with a machete. That economy right there is half past dead!”

In truth, the economy was buried in a sacred Indian burial ground like a Pet Cemetery (I was not in that movie, for some reason).

Some people might have lost a few dollars during this streamlining process. Some of these people may still owe millions to the Gambino crime family. And, as I have said many times before, many of these good people, with their deeply held religious faith, do not have deep pockets. Incidentally, many of their friends have no pockets at all, for they like to wear robes. And the ones who do have pockets are Jews, and they don’t care for your philosophy, or the massive earning potential of Absolution, sequel to the direct to video smash hit A Good Man.

These good people are suffering, mainly because the US incursion into Ukraine, and their regime of sanctions, which are totally unfair, while completely not hurting Russia’s economy at all.

Some of these friends of Russia are ordinary persons who have to feed their kids and survive, and not get their fingers cut off by the Gambino family. Some of them are not reincarnated gods and Akido masters who are totally not afraid to take out 20-30 people at once if they coming knocking on his van, down by the LA river.

Some of these people love Russia, like others love Africa, Mexico, the color purple, or being molested by a group of asylum seekers to prove their tolerance.

I love Russia and I’m not scared to say it. So please, end the sanctions that are not having any effect on Russia anyways, so people who are totally not me can perhaps get a position as the public face for Kalashnikov Concern, which is unfairly being sanctioned in the United States because of all this kind of unproductive stuff which is totally not in the interest of either side.

Don’t let the Gambino family put the Crystal Cave on ice. For the love of god, they’re coming, I don’t know how much longer I can hold them off!

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