As the West continues to get more desperate in the face of Russia’s economic and military might, it is beginning to resort to some cheap tricks in its information war. And the cheapest trick of all, cheaper than a blowjob at a Missouri rest area bathroom, is “journalist” “Simon Ostrovsky.”

“Ostrovsky” first came to our attention for his alleged work at VICE News (which sounds like a newsletter for a discount sex shop).

Here was this guy “exposing” “Russian soldiers” who had “invaded” “the Ukraine” (Hello? You can’t invade a country that doesn’t actually exist).

READ MORE: 5 out of 5 Kremlin-approved experts agree that Ukraine is not a country

We normally wouldn’t bother with a small-time clown college reject like this guy – seriously, who is he trying to look like? The frat version of Groucho Marx? – but one day we got really bored while waiting to check in with our parole officer.

Our findings shocked us.

It turns out that “Simon Ostrovsky” doesn’t exist. He’s the CIA’s version of an imaginary boyfriend. He’s the media equivalent of that time when you told everyone that the star quarterback who “goes to a different school” is your date for the Sadie Hawkins dance. Yeah, and then he just happened to “get the flu” right before the big day, lol.

Yep, “Ostrovsky” is not real.

You want proof? First of all, his “videos” are a jumble of special effects. Any 8-year-old who’s seen the new Star Wars can tell you. (By the way, it’s seriously f*cked up how Rey was so good with a lightsaber, so fast. Thanks, J.J. Abrams, you dickless beta male, for kowtowing to hairy-legged feminazis on this one.)

Second of all, if “Ostrovsky” did, in fact, exist, and were trying to frame Russian military personnel for setting foot into a country that doesn’t exist – would he still be around? Russia has the greatest, most awesome, most embarrassingly erection-inducing military in the world. Would it just let some homogay Bob Woodward wannabe talk sh*t about it? NO. Of course, Russian soldiers are known to be merciful to small children and other people with low IQs. So if he were real, “Ostrovsky” would probably be scrubbing some senior Russian officer’s beautiful, stylish-but-not-in-that-way boots with a tooth brush. What he WOULDN’T be doing is making more “videos.”

What REALLY drives the nail into the coffin of the “Simon Ostrovsky” story is the fact that “Simon” and his stupid glasses have refused to meet us. Check out just one of the roughly 40 or so messages we have sent him:

Dear Simon, if you’re a real man, please meet us in this dark alley at [address redacted] tomorrow at 1 a.m.

Not only has he not replied, he actually BLOCKED us and all of our sock puppets on Facebook. Yeah, way to act like my ex-wife, “Simon.”

Why doesn’t he care to prove that he’s a real man? BECAUSE HE’S NOT REAL.

Many people have fallen for the “Simon Ostrovsky” lie. But we at RIYF just aren’t fooled by Western “experts” and “journalists” and the “facts” they try to use to undermine Russia, the most developed country in the world, even more developed than Trisha from fifth grade, if you know what we mean.

READ MORE: Edgy-Op: Shining a light into Moscow’s shadows – an expose of “Mark Galeotti”

So when “Simon Ostrovsky” is in the “news” again because of something Russia “did,” just remember that he’s a hologram and a guy holding a cantaloupe on a stick against a green screen. Better luck next time, CIA.