Foreign Office urges Moscow to carry out UK assassinations less conspicuously

LONDON- British Foreign Office diplomats are urging Russian President Vladimir Putin to try to show a bit more tact when executing enemies of the Russian state on British soil. The plea comes the day an inquiry into the murder of dyed-in-the-wool traitor Alexander Litvinenko found that the traitorous scum was murdered by another traitor who has long since killed himself.

Senior diplomats have argued that the wider interests of Anglo-Russian relations, which totally do not include the billions of dollars laundered through London’s housing market to the benefit of a select few, require a degree of restraint.

“To be quite frank, no one really gives a s***e if Moscow offs the odd wanker on the streets of London every now and then,” a source in the Foreign Office told RIYF.

AlexanderLitvinenkoHospital

“But for fook’s sake, do you gotta leave a radioactive trace over half the fookin continent? Polonium-210 in a fookin tea pot,” he continued, “you made half of London look like a hotel bed under a blacklight on Nightline you bloody amateurs.”

There is also a view in parts of the Foreign Office that Litvinenko cannot be brought back to life; most of the Russian diplomats or agents supposedly implicated in the case have long since left the UK anyways, and the inquiry was never intended to prove whether anyone was responsible in the first place.

“He’s already dead, so no use crying over spilt milk as my granny used to say,” Home Secretary Theresa May said.

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn was far less willing to mince words: 

“The West should stop persecuting Russia! Even if they did assassinate someone on the streets of London, it was an internal affair and the least we could do is be sensitive to another culture.”

On 1 November 2006, confirmed traitor to the motherland Litvinenko suddenly fell ill and was hospitalized after sucking down the dregs of a teapot in a high-end London hotel. He died three weeks later, becoming the first confirmed victim of lethal polonium-210-induced acute radiation syndrome.

At the time of his death, Litvinenko was working for MI6, the so-called British spy agency (ha! —ed.), as a part-time consultant and full-time traitor. The rare radioactive isotope that poisoned him is made only at closed nuclear facilities controlled by the CIA in a property owned by long-since deceased Russian oligarch Boris Berezovsky in Nazi-occupied Kiev.

An independent investigation conducted by Russia’s Investigative Committee has concluded that Berezovsky had the sworn enemy of the Russian state Litvinenko killed to discredit Putin.

Berezovsky subsequently offed himself in March 2013, likely out of shame for betraying Putin and country. A post-mortem examination carried out by Home Office pathologists found the cause of death was consistent with the reality that “s*** happens.”

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3 comments

  1. […] the Chinese bump off a dissident in London, what will we do? The satirical website “Russia in Your Face” caught the present mood best: It portrays the British Foreign Ministry meekly requesting that […]

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