MOSCOW – Dear readers! We love that you’re reading, commenting, and sending us coded messages on Twitter (or maybe they’re just drunk tweets, it’s hard to tell)! There are, however, a few misconceptions we need to clear up, much as Putin had dispelled all confusion  by saying that Russian soldiers weren’t in Crimea, and then that they were in Crimea, and how Russia isn’t sending people to east “Ukraine,” and then how it is sending people to east “Ukraine,” but that you can always interpret that in different ways, and anyways, moving on…

First of all, please stop calling us a “parody site.”

How can a website detailing the rise of feral ghouls on the streets of Washington D.C. and the subsequent federal cover-up possibly be parody?

Was it parody when we revealed that the UK Foreign Office said “No one really gives a s***e if Moscow offs the odd wanker on the streets of London every now and then”  regarding the death of Alexander Litvinenko?

Could Alisa Louse be just a character we made up to make fun of hypocrisy and nepotism in certain corners of the Russian state media? Ahahahaha!!!

Seriously, would a parody site include such lines as, “You Put My Favorite Dry-Clean Only Mink Hammer Pants into the Washing Machine So Ima Kick You in the Dick”?!

Use. Your. Goddamn. Heads. We know that not everyone has great critical reading skills, but if you are able to process the smattering of words before you – you have no excuse.

Second of all…Well, honestly, we got ourselves so worked up pointing out the glaringly obvious that we’ve have forgotten what the “second of all” was. It probably had something to do with how Putin is awesome or how Russia doesn’t need human rights seeing as how Russians are, in fact, superhuman.

Anyways, you get the gist. Please reflect on your sins while we go make ourselves a strong drink or five.