DONETSK, RUSSIA – Crack cops working under Russia’s Ministry of Mind Reading (MCM) knew convicted Ukrainian and war criminal Nadiya Savchenko had murdered two Russian journalists in the imaginary country’s east years before she ever committed the crime.

The ministry, secretly set up by KGB General Boris Ratnikov, first became aware that Savchenko was planning to murder two Russian state-television journalists years before a fascist coup toppled the democratically elected government of Viktor Yanukovych in February 2014.

“In Nadezhda Savchenko’s mind, we found a pathological hatred of Slavs,” Ratnikov said in a 2006 interview with RIYF. “She doesn’t know it yet, but in 8 year’s time, she will kill two Russian journalists, Igor Vladimirovich Kornelyuk and Anton Voloshin. A warrant has already been drawn up for her arrest.”

Due to a clerical error, however, Savchenko’s arrest warrant wasn’t executed until she illegally crossed the Russian border while probably trying to kill more people and/or buy one of those Putin-in-sunglasses-with-a-Cartman-quote t-shirts (they’re illegal in “the Ukraine” on account of Ukrainian men having their masculinity threatened by them) in June 2014.

“Unfortunately for the authorities, the government will have to be content with merely issuing the verdict before her trial concluded, rather than apprehend the psycho murderer in a skirt before she could commit her crime,” said MCM Lt. Colonel Anton Fignyaovich.

“That being said, there’s nothing wrong with the system itself. Time and time again Moscow has managed to arrest enemies of the state long before they are able to commit their heinous crimes,” he added.