WASHINGTON D.C. – Irradiated water. Armed bandits. Bloodthirsty mutant scorpions. A former aide to Russian President Vladimir Putin has been murdered by the FBI for trying to make the world see that the United States of America has long become a post-apocalyptic dystopia.

The late Mikhail Lesin, former Russian press minister and scourge of liberal media traitors to the Kremlin, was found dead in a Washington D.C. hotel room in the autumn of 2015.

Like all true Russian patriots, Mr. Lesin despised the United States of America and everything that it stands for – which is precisely why he traveled there so often.

The Western media has made a big song and dance about Mr. Lesin’s “business interests in America” or the fact that “his children lived there” and “oh look, what a hypocrite, first he helped build the Russian state media empire, and then fell out of favor and ran to the Western country that same state media empire demonizes every day.”

Of course, the truth of the matter is, Mr. Lesin was murdered by the FBI for trying to spread the word about how awful and horrifying life in America is.

“I haven’t been to D.C. in a while – f**king restraining orders – but evidence online points to a vast government conspiracy aimed at covering up the fact that people in our nation’s capital are dodging feral ghouls in the streets and eating cockroach meat to survive,” media analyst Karl Binbottom told RIYF.

“Lesin was trying to expose the truth – so ordinary Russians wouldn’t be tempted to apply for U.S. visas and green cards and end up getting stuck in a post-apocalyptic nightmare,” Binbottom went on to say. “Who wants their fellow citizens exposed to mutant hounds and vampiric bloodbugs and Hillary Clinton?”

“Lesin cared too much,” Binbottom concluded grimly. “That’s why the FBI killed him.”

Reached for comment, an FBI spokesperson said “Get a load of Mulder,” before putting this RIYF correspondent on speakerphone. Laughter was heard, then the line went…dead. Coincidence? Don’t think so.