MOSCOW – Russia’s top investigative official has demanded that the Kremlin subjugate and break the Russian public before the US and its allies unleash a full-scale hybrid war on the Third Rome.

In comments published in Kommersant Vlast, Alexander Bastrykin, head of the Investigative Committee, demanded that Moscow drive its own people into the dust and hear “the lamentations of our women” – before the West has a chance to do it first.

“No one crushes the Russian people but Russians! They think they can enslave us with rule of law and minority rights? They know nothing about enslaving Russian people. *I* will show you how to enslave Russian people,” he said.

Bastrykin cited unfavorable legal rulings regarding Russia’s non-participation in the murder of part-time spy and full-time traitor Aleksandr Litvinenko, fabrications surrounding Russian involvement in Kiev’s downing of MH17 with a jet cleverly shot out from a missile launcher, and Mumford & Sons as evidence that the West had entered a phase of “open confrontation” with Russia.

Bastrykin suggested cutting Russia off from the internet, criminalizing hipster beards, and a reintroduction of capital punishment for anyone who questions how an individual can spend $2 billion dollars on old cellos and music stands.

“If history has taught us anything, it’s that the only way Russia can survive as a nation is if we brutalize and slaughter our own people before outsiders have a chance to do it first,” Bastrykin said.

“I f***ing hate Mumford & Sons and hipster beards,” he added.