MOSCOW – The RBC newspaper and news service have been revealed to be part of the West’s covert campaign to shorten the life spans of ordinary Russians and wage war against Russia’s demographic revival. Three top editors are already revealed to be part of the nefarious plot and the investigation is ongoing. 

“We have that saying, ‘ignorance is bliss,’ for a reason,” western psychologist, media analyst, and award-winning cat blogger Lars Funion told RIYF. “Being aware of everything that’s going on is stressful, and stress causes heart disease and stroke. The link between so-called independent news organization RBC and a CIA conspiracy against Russia thus becomes clear.”

The Russian State Duma has also weighed in on the scandal.

“What does RBC stand for? Russia Bulging Carp! How insane do you have to be to name a news organization like that!? Why am I so thirsty?! Whores, junkies, Jews, Ukrainians, gay Central Asian migrants! They’re all gay, you hear me?!” Firebrand nationalist leader Vladimir Zhirinovsky said in exclusive commentary to RIYF. “Faggots, pedophiles, shawarma! Lesbian porn, wandering uterus, what is that cat doing, Madeleine Albright!”

According to Lars Funion, Western media outlets are wrong to treat the revelation of RBC’s true purpose as an attack on the free press. “They think that ‘freedom’  is about knowing how many palaces a government minister has or whether or not there’s been a terror attack in central Moscow,” Funion said. “But is that going to make your khrushchyovka any more appealing or help bring the dead back to life? Real freedom is freedom from useless facts that clutter your brain. You don’t want to be a hoarder of facts, do you? Hoarders are creepy old people, and they smell bad, who needs that?”

“Foreigners, NATO, Madonna, pantyhose, ball gags!” Zhirinovsky added.