No Englishmen will travel abroad or talk to foreigners again, queen says

LONDON- Brexit means Brexit, and Brexit also means no more contact with “filthy foreigners (who probably have the ebola anyway).”

English Queen Theresa May, who has just closed down the last court in London that disagreed with her, told RIYF outside The Number 10 Palace of Buckingham Street that, “bloody foreigners have always been at the root of our problems.” When asked what she intended to do about it she unveiled her strategy:

“From the moment I launch the Brexit, planes will stop flying to or from Britain. We will tear up all possible places for planes to land. Tear up the places where UFOs can land too. No more ships will sail and we will lay sea mines around our English coasts and blast Mumford & Sons from our coastguard ships to sow fear in the hearts of the foreigners. We will fill up that tunnel. All English will have all their holidays inside Britain and all English galavanting around in foreign mires will be invited back, or dragged back screaming, whichever they prefer,” Queen May explained.

In addition the new Ministry of Nostalgia and English Hearts, or MNEH, has been setting out to parliament its first substantive proposals on ‘re-englishisation’ of the English Isles. Their plans include-

-Old patients of the National Health Service changing their own soiled bed sheets, gowns and undergarments. Sure, some of them may not be capable, but if it’s a choice between wallowing in your own shit or being molested by medical professionals with the wrong passport, it’s obvious what one must do.

-The mass incineration of foul foreign foods, all to ensure culinary purity with authentic English dishes like Chicken Vindaloo Curry and Cock Oh Van.

-A ban on datings apps to preserve proper English romance, which has developed over centuries into a refined fumbling routine in pub toilets after eleven pints on a Tuesday evening (and it sometimes even ends up in sex).

The bold move is probably based on Russian initiatives, which have long forbade millions of Russians from leaving the country. A seventy year old pilot scheme of “closed cities”, from which Russians can’t leave even to go another city without a special pass, is proving a popular success, with no complaints about the scheme ever recorded.

Russian President/Messiah Vladimir Putin has said that Britain leaving the European Union is a good thing. “The more isolated the old fox of Britain can be made, the better for us….and for the British. Of course we only care for the wellbeing of the British people and their future King Nigel Farage, whom we will help to install if he wants us to. Or, what the hell, if we feel like it.”

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