RIYF’s exclusive guide to the Trump Inauguration!

Dear friends!

    My name is Dmitry and I am a reporter in Donald Trump’s entourage! It so cool to see the Russian press corps represented so well here and to hear mellifluous Russian voices all around President Trump! Here is my guide to the big day!

– At 9am EST Trump will head down inauguration avenue in Washington, dragging Barack Obama along in chains behind him.

– When Trump sits in a special chair constructed around Abraham Lincoln’s head (as a symbol of respect to American traditions), he will raise his thumb, and depending on whether the crowd cheers or boos louder, Barack Obama, the Muslim, non-American pretender, will live or die. Either Obama or his dead body will then be sent to prison.

– Trump will then be greeted by a mobile phone call from World Leader Vladimir Putin, with some of the first information he needs on his presidential quest. Donald will act with due deference to a leader many times his stature and experience. Locker room talk may be involved. 

– After that the formality of swearing an oath to a little man on some steps can be done. This is the boring part, so plan your bathroom break accordingly.

– Trump will then start tearing up the carpets in the White House, and partying. It is thought that 50,000 bottles of semi-sweet Soviet champagne have been given to the White House as a state gift from the Kremlin! Semi-sweet Soviet champagne has a long and noble history of being drunk out of plastic cups on the stairwells of crumbling khrushchyovka buildings throughout the Soviet Union. Truly a special gift.

– Some hours later the codes to the American nuclear arsenal will be presented to President Trump by his new appointed (actually just 10 minutes ago!) head of nuclear security, K.G. Barsukov. Exciting! President Trump may choose to bomb someone right away, or he may choose to bomb them when the semi-sweet champagne hangover hits, so do stay with us for any updates.

– Some protests, paid for by Hillary Clinton and her team of pedophile sex hitmen, are thought to have been organised. But, inspired by a Russian law which allows troops to fire upon crowds of pregnant women if they are deemed a threat to the tsar, American police have been issued with free Kalashnikovs and a limitless supply of live ammunition – but only for the day!

We at RIYF want to offer our most heartfelt congratulations to every American peasant citizen who voted for Donald J. Trump (we’ll advise him later on how to deal with the ones who didn’t vote for him)! May the American Bear Eagle roar soar loud high!

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